A new iteration of Facebook profile formatting reminded me today that I used to write “Notes” about little events in my life, and that I started this blog because I hated Facebook’s “Notes.”
Here’s one I started in January of 2010, and shared with all my coworkers at Karate Job. Boyfriend recently noted that kids are basically tiny adults with a drinking problem. Seriously. The next time you see a kid walking around, playing with other kids, or just sitting staring at her hand, you’ll see the truth: All kids perfectly, unintentionally, and constantly mimic drunk adults. See below for (way too much) proof.
In my time at Karate Job, many things have changed, but the one thing that has remained constant is the ridiculousness of the kids, and the weird nonsense that comes out of their mouths. I plan on adding to this as the hilarity ensues.
Sensei = me
kid = unnamed student
i made this
Sensei- Ooh, the Trust stone! Who can tell me what trust is?
kid- (raises hand)
Sensei- Yes? What do you think?
kid- Um… one time, I was with my brother, and he said that, um, there was no rock monster, and, um, but then, there was a rock monster, and my brother, it was him, and the rock monster, um,… it was.
Sensei-…Ok, good job, who else knows what trust is?
Sensei Richard was doing cow stretch, then cat stretch, mooing and meowing, chewing slowly and smiling when one kid looked at him and said, with a completely serious face, “Stop chewing like a cow.”
Sensei- What did you do this weekend?
kid- I went to a party, and you know who was there?!
Sensei- Wow, cool.
Sensei- Did you guys have fun?
kid- Yeah!! And then, you know what I did?
kid- I put my hand, in his mouth!!
Sensei- …Is Bob a dog?
kid- No! He’s jello!
kid- No! He’s MADE of jello!
Sensei- … Ok, time for an obstacle course.
Sensei- Wow, are you a car?
kid- I’m a Ferrari!
kid- The cheetahs are sleeping!
(whispered as he sat in a circle for Animal Cards)
Sensei- Ooooh, the ant card, ants have good patience, and good teamwork. What do you think about the ant?
kid- Um… if… if there’s a… a giant spider… theeeeeeeen… um… it would stomp on us.
Sensei- Uh, yeah, but spiders aren’t that big, so I think we’re ok.
kid- Oh. Ok.
(All the kids are running around the lava pit)
Sensei- Ok, now do a bear crawl! Who can growl like a bear?
(All the kids growl)
Sensei- Now who can hop like a frog?
(All of them hop around)
Sensei- Now who can hop like a bunny?
(Immediately, half the kids put their hands up to their heads and make bunny ears with their first two fingers, as if that is the only thing that distinguishes frogs and rabbits)
Sensei- Hi everyone! Ok, let’s bow and say ‘osu’ as you come in. Hi, how are you?
kid- I’m good! Osu!
Sensei- Awesome! Let’s have your card, and start running! Hi, how are you doing?
kid- Awesome, Sensei! Osu!
Sensei- Woah, cool! Start running! Hi, how are you?
kid- I have pink eye! Osu! [holds out card]
Sensei- …Um… What?
kid- I have pink eye! They put drops in my eyes! Osu! [holds out card]
Sensei- …Ok, cool… Where are your parents?
[turns out he HAD pinkeye, but was cured of it recently]
Sensei- Ok everyone, feet together, make a butterfly, flap your wings!
kid- Hey Sensei!
Sensei- What do we do when we want to talk?
kid- [hand shoots up] Um, Sensei! Sensei!
Sensei- Yes? Thank you for raising your hand.
kid- We were reading a book about bugs outside, and one of the bugs, they-
Sensei- Can you tell me about it after class?
kid- Ya but this one bug, it-
Sensei- Can you tell me about it after class?
kid- Ok, but this one bug-
Sensei- Tell me about it after class, ok? It’s karate time now.
kid- Ok, but this one bug-
Sensei- Tell me about it after class. We’re not talking about that right now, ok?
kid- Ok, but the bug-
Sensei- [name], can you listen to me please? What did I just say?
kid- Ok, but the bug-
Sensei- What did I just say?
kid- After class, ya, but this one bug-
Sensei- No, what did I just say? Did I say we should talk about that now?
kid- No, but-
Sensei- Tell me after class, not now.
kid- Ok, but it’s just this one bug-
Sensei- [name], come here please.
kid- [pause] What?
Sensei- I asked you to come here please.
kid- Oh. I couldn’t hear you all the way over here.
Sensei- Yes you can.
Sensei- Ooh, look, the “otter” card! This is sensei’s favorite card!
Sensei- Yeah, because the otter is very playful.
kid- Yeah. Y’know what? He likes to play games.
Sensei- Yeah, he does.
kid- But he doesn’t always know when it’s his turn.
kid- Because, because it’s, um it’s my turn, his turn, my turn, [faster] his turn my-turn-his-turn-myturn-histurn-myturn-histurn… and then… histurn histurn histurn histurn.
Sensei- …Ok, time to meditate.
kid 1- My sister, she’s 16, she karate’s me all the time. And I karate her back.
kid 2- (under his breath to some other kids) He doesn’t understand martial arts.
Sensei- Ooh, the antelope card!
kid- I like deer.
Sensei- Yeah, me too. I saw a deer once when I was camping.
kid- I saw a bear once!
kid- Yeah, I was, um, in the forest… um… and my parents wanted to be there with me, but I’m really careful.
Sensei- Uh huh…
kid- And um, then, I saw a bear, and I ran as fast as I could, but he couldn’t catch me.
Sensei- Yeah? So you were in the forest… alone?
kid- Yeah, I’m really careful around bears.
[I use those foam noodles to make a bridge for the kids to duck under and run around the dojo, then I put them on the floor for them to jump over. I usually wiggle them around and say , "Who can jump over the ssssssssssnake?"]
A new kid in the class comes to a screeching halt when it’s his turn to jump over the snake.
Sensei- Hey there, jump over! Jump over the snake, you can do it!
kid- [pause] Um… is it a nice snake?
Sensei- Uh, yep, it sure is. His name is Howard. Can you say hi to Howard?
kid- [waves at the noodle] Hi, Howard.
Sensei- Great job, now jump over Howard!
[kid jumps over the noodle no problem]
time to fucking meditate
Sensei- Keep running guys!
kid- [panting] It’s so refreshing to get a good workout!
kid- [running around the dojo to warm up] Sensei! [raises hand]
kid- [comes to a complete stop right in front of me] I lost my racetrack,… but I can find it later.
Sensei- …Ok, good. Keep running.
Yesterday we were talking about outer space, and I mentioned black holes. None of the kids knew what a black hole was. I described it as “something that’s super tiny that can eat anything and everything up.” Then I told them that after something is eaten up, we lose track of it. No one on Earth has any idea where it goes. The kids could not believe what I had just said. A couple of them literally thought I was lying. I said, “Really! It’s a huge mystery. Even the smartest people in the world don’t know where it goes after it gets eaten up by a black hole.” Then I did what my dad used to do: I made them try to think up an answer all by themselves. I asked, “Where do you guys think it goes?” They were all quiet for a few seconds, until one boy said, ” Maybe it goes into the future.”
Wow. Just… wow. I couldn’t believe he said that. How awesome is that kid’s brain that the future is the first thing he things of. Not a place, a TIME. HAHAHAHA!! Amazing!
Sensei- Alright, everone reach for your toes!
kid- Sensei? It smells like bacon in here.
Sensei- Uh, that’s ok… Who knows where bacon comes from?
Sensei- C’mon guys, who knows what animal bacon comes from?
kid- Bacon monster?
Sensei- Haha, no you silly boy! What animal does bacon come from?
kid 2- A crocodile made out of bacon?
My first day working at a different KK location, we were stretching and a new boy was lookin’ pretty worried.
Sensei- Hey buddy, everything ok?
kid- Um… I think I have to go to the bathroom…
Sensei- Ah, ok quick, let’s go!
The kid takes two steps, then stops and clamps his legs shut. His crotch is already visibly wet. He looks down, then back up to me with an extremely worried expression on his face and says, “I think I’m LEAKING!”
I picked him up by the armpits, took him to the door to use the bathroom. Not a drop on the mat! lol
(a kid – let’s call him Jack – kept looking over his shoulder to see his dad, who was quietly reading outside. Dad got up, and the kid couldn’t stop looking around for him)
Sensei- Hey buddy, I’m over here. Dad’s just around the corner talking to Mr. Kevin at the desk. See his stuff is still on the chair, he didn’t leave.
kid- Oh. Ok. (keeps looking)
Sensei- Jack, it’s ok, he’ll be right back. It’s karate time, try to focus, buddy.
kid- But what if he doesn’t come back?
Sensei- I guess you’ll have to come home with me and have a Sensei sleepover. We’ll do Sensei stuff all the time. Y’know what Senseis do at home?
Sensei- EAT ICE CREAM. All the time. Non-stop. Just ice cream, om nom nom!
kid- *heh, heh*
kid 2- You’re gonna get FAT.
Sensei- Haha, wow, yep, I guess it’s a good thing your dad’s here, Jack.
In the lobby chatting with a parent, the younger sibling of the student trips over a chair and makes a huge CRASH BANG BANG BANG. She puts the char upright, crawls back up to her feet and announces, “Good!… I’m ok!”
kid- I had coffee today!
kid- [shakes head] Caffeine, I love caffeine. [jumps up and down]
Sensei- You had caffeinated coffee?
kid- [stops jumping, nods furiously] I put 5 sugars in it [holds up fingers]. BIG ones.
(after tripping over something in the obstacle course)
kid- I’m ok, I’m tough. I hurted my toe really bad, but I’m BRAVE.
(we picked the deer card in Sensei Circle)
Sensei- Ooh, who knows what this is? It’s a deer!
kid 1- A reindeer!
Sensei- Almost, yeah, good idea. It’s LIKE a reindeer.
kid 2- [with a dead serious face] It lives at Christmas.
Sensei- Wow, um, yeah, I guess that’s true. It lives all the time though.
kid 2- Right.
(sliding on his stomach through a castle obstacle)
kid- Sensei! Sensei look! I’m a penguin!
Sensei- Wow, you sure are! Good job!
(a little girl was grabbing her crotch as she ran around the dojo. Let’s call her Emily)
Sensei- Hey Emily, c’mere. Are you ok? Do you have to go potty?
Emily- [looking worried] No…
Sensei- No? Ok. Are you ok? What’s up, sweetie?
Emily- I hurt myself when I was bear crawling.
Emily- Yeah, I kicked myself. [still clutching crotch]
Sensei- …Okaaaaay… Do you want to sit down, or do you want to keep going?
Emily- I think I should keep going.
Sensei- Ok, good idea, go for it.
[Emily continues to hold her crotch with one hand and run]
I set up a new obstacle with a heavy ball, and told the kids it was really special so they would pay special attention. When one boy went through it, he put the ball over his head with great effort and said, “Rrrgh! So… special!”
Upon seeing that we had drawn the bat card:
“I saw… a bat… with dinosaurs… and I was the fairy… and mom was the dinosaur.”
Sensei: Hey June, you did an amazing job in class today!
kid: Can I have a high five?
Sensei: How about a hug?
kid: [super excited] Oooh! Ok!
After the death of Osama bin Laden:
kid: Sensei! The criminal… He got shot with a missile.
Sensei: Wow, really?
kid: [nods] Yep.
[after laying down rope between obstacles]
Sensei: Uh oh, don’t step on the snakes, guys! Jump!
kid: Oh no! Are they poisonous?
Sensei: Nope, they’re venomous!
kid: …oh. They’re not poisonous?
Sensei: Nope, snakes aren’t poisonous. They’re venomous. Everyone say, “venomous!”
Normally shy little Japanese boy (age 4ish) hands me the biggest piece as we’re cleaning up the obstacle course.
Sensei: Wow, you got the big one, you must be pretty strong today.
kid: I’m all man!
kid: [gets shy and starts drifting away]
Sensei: What did you say? Say that again.
kid: [bashfully] I’m all man! [runs away]
kid: Sensei! Did you know, that the bad guy, they shot him, with a missile. [in reference to Osama bin Laden's death]
Sensei: That’s right, thank you.
Sensei: Ooh, the squirrel card. What is the squirrel holding?
kid 1: Acorn!
Sensei: That’s right! Very smart, an acorn. What does the acorn grow into? A mighty…?
kid 1: Nut tree?
kid 2: Squirrel?
I set up an obstacle course where the kids had to switch hands doing a hammer fist Right/Left/Right/Left. One kid kept using his right hand. The kid in front of him noticed and demonstrated using his left hand, saying, “Look. See what hand I’m using? Like that.”
kid: Sensei guess what!
kid: Um… My birthday is next year!
Sensei: Oh, that’s cool… I think all our birthdays are next year.
A girl fell while running across the balance beams, and instead of stopping or helping her up, the boy behind her just stepped over her as she started to get up, and kept running.
[kid raises hand in Animal Card Circle]
Sensei: Yes? Thank you for raising your hand.
kid: I have so many puppets.
kid: Yeah, but they’re not real.
A new student runs around the lava pit with the other kids, when suddenly he turns around, comes to a screeching halt, holds up his hand and yells, “STOP!”
Sensei: Hey, don’t stop, keep going!
The kid laughs and keeps running.
Sensei: Why do we meditate?
kid: It makes our anger go away, and makes our body awesome, and it makes us cool.
[When I told this kid's mom about this, she said that he meditated when his friends overwhelmed him.]
Sensei: Ooh, the skunk card. What does the skunk do?
kid: He’s stinky.
Sensei: Yes, the skunk is stinky, but what does he do?
kid: He throws stuff.
Sensei: Uh, close, he sprays stuff. What does he spray?
kid: [big smile] Garbage.
Sensei: Ooh, the horse card. What is the horse good at?
kid: Running fast!
Sensei: That’s right, a horse can run faster than a person.
kid: …unless you run on the horse.
A special needs kid who said everything on his mind sat down with the other kids while I built an obstacle course. He looked outside and said, “Exit.” The room was totally silent otherwise, so cute.
Sensei: Eyes closed guys, meditation time.
Sensei: Eyes closed, buddy.
kid: [still blinking] I can’t close my eyes.
Sensei: Yes you can.
kid: [closes eyes] Oh.
kid: Sensei! Sensei I fell! But I’m ok! I’m ok Sensei!
Sensei: Everybody frog jump! What sound does a frog make?
kid: [super loud] wih-BIT?!! wih-BIT?!! wih-BIT?!!
kid: I have five guys. They’re robbers or something.
Sensei: Yeah? Does your mom know about them?
kid: [nods] My mom knows, my sister knows… Usually I have two, but I just have one now.
Sensei: One robber?
kid: No, robbers aren’t real!
Sensei: Ooh, the skunk card! Who knows what the skunk does?
kid: He gets scared!
Sensei: That’s true, sometimes skunks get scared. Then what happens?
kid: Then, he has bad, bad, bad… gas.
Sensei: Ok guys, show me some strong kiais!
kid: Sensei, see THIS kiai… KI-YAAAAAAAAAAAAI!!!
UPDATE: May 6, 2013
Buzzfeed threw together a bunch of gifs (this thing) with an almost identical title to this post a week after I posted! Copycats!