Red Lobster (and other seafood restaurants), you have attracted my satirical ire.

Aside from being synonymous with tacky, Red Lobster also has the most careless wait staff and patrons I have ever had the misfortune of observing on TV. Heaven forbid they get anywhere near some king crab or Cajun grilled shrimp, because that shit will go flying across a table, get slammed onto a plate, and brutally cannon-balled into a dish of butter with such immediacy that their love affair with slow motion brutality against maritime confections (second only to having heart attacks) can only be described as barbaric. I have never seen so much reasonably tasty-looking food get so horribly manhandled.

How is watching beautiful food get abused appealing? At what point do I nudge the guy who ordered the lobster tail at the next table and say, “Y’know what you should do with that? Try smothering it in some disgusting garlic cream sauce, dousing it with way too much lemon, and covering it– I mean COVERING it– with some horrible combination of spices that’ll mute the natural deliciousness of the dish. Or maybe smear something on it you would never think of… how about some maple syrup? Then just drop it onto the plate a couple’a times just to watch it bounce. I see it in commercials all the time. I’m pretty sure that’s how you should eat seafood.” FALSE.

That is all.