goodness, humor

The Breakdown: X-Men

I picked up an X-Men comic recently (Manifest Destiny), and was introduced to the character Pixie, a pink-haired teen with fairy wings. She gives off a powder that induces hallucinations about fluffy, innocuous teddy bears (I shit you not). Plus she has a knife that comes… out of… her… soul. Right.

She’s super cute, and her personality is great, very spunky and kick-ass, but… what’s her power again? Let’s break it down.

Pixie can:


-freak people out with visions of stuffed animals

-look and sound adorable (Welsh accent)

So basically, she’s the Rockateer at a rave. She’s P!nk with a jetpack and a jack knife. She’s the love-child of Tinkerbelle and Crocodile Dundee. And this qualifies her to be a member of the X-Men because… why? She’s a moody teen with a cute figure who poses no serious danger to anyone (other than her liver). What is it that qualifies Pixie to be a member of the X-Men?

I’m glad you asked, because the qualifications of becoming a member of the X-Men are dark and hilarious. Here’s what the job listing might look like.


Xavier Institute of Higher Learning seeks to turn innocent children into highly skilled combat operatives.

Job description:

Applicants should be ready and able to perform an array of duties, including, but not limited to: defending Earth from external and internal threats (occasionally at the cost of your own lives, of course), during which you will be treated like adults; taking mediocre classes with other weirdos, during which you will be treated like children; having whole conversations full of witty one-liners during battles when quick action could save lives; putting up with the instructors constantly boning and breaking up with each other (when they’re not duking it out in front of the entire student body), only to hook up again after every other battle. Housing includes a giant mansion equipped with technology so advanced, its inevitable malevolent sentience is sure to be the death of us all (see attached brochure). The headmaster, Charles Xavier, has maintained the security of the school by invading the minds of all non-attendees, and mentally cloaking its location. But he definitely won’t covertly mess with your head. That would be wrong. (Pinky-swear guaranteed upon acceptance into program.)

Requirements for male applicants:

-Applicants must be roguishly handsome, and/or have membership in Mensa.

-Must have a strong propensity to develop a crush on fellow students and/or teachers

-Must be comfortable showing off package (see: female uniform requirements)

Requirements for female applicants:

-Giant boobs (obviously)

-Passive mutant abilities preferred (shield, teleportation, invisibility, intangibility, etc.)

-Must be comfortable in skimpy, age-inappropriate latex uniform (preferably with impractical heels)

General Requirements:

-Applicants must be emo, and/or socially inept. Well-balanced youngsters need not apply.

-Little attachment to consistency, and being alive. Ability to rebound quickly from death of friends preferred.

-A tragic past, preferably seeded in a sense of isolation. Rejection by homo-sapiens, victimization by rioters, and loss of control of mutative power resulting in loss of a loved one a plus!


Who are the X-Men? At this point, we’re left with a bunch of super-powered teenage screw-ups saving whole cities (and occasionally, entire GALAXIES) from annihilation, lead by a man whose only intellectual shortcoming seems to fall under the category of “Shit That Would Make a Cripple Walk Again,” and can’t seem to control one magnetic cry-baby. This scenario doesn’t exactly instill confidence. No wonder humans are trying to wipe them out.

So why is Pixie a member of the X-Men? Because that’s exactly where good-looking mutant fuck-ups belong.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s