Losing my mind

I’m occasionally attacked by giant, imaginary bugs.

At first I thought it was a recurring nightmare.  Then I thought it was a night terror, but I have vivid memories of them every time.
I’m also usually awake.  Which makes them hallucinations.  Right?
I’ve experienced this about… no more than 8 times I guess.  The first time was more than a year ago, and I can’t remember when the last time was.

because neon chairs exist, and neon bugs don't

Here’s how it goes, every time: I’m lying in bed on my back.  I’ve been asleep at least a couple hours.  I look up at the ceiling, and there’s a huge, spindly bug with black and neon coloring (red, yellow, or green) descending slowly toward me.  It’s not more conscious than other bugs, but its intent is to land on me and do something (I’m not sure what, I just don’t want this thing landing on my fucking face, which is exactly where it’s always heading).
The first few times I saw one, I just hid under the blanket, terrified.  After a minute of cowering, I would venture a glance and it would be gone.  Or I would wake up Boyfriend and frantically ask if there was a bug.  Of course, there wasn’t.
My first encounter with these, I saw about three in a month, maybe more.  Those were the most terrifying.  All I could do was hide and pray each one would go away.
Later, as I got frustrated by my terror and hiding like a baby, I tried swatting at them.  This didn’t actually produce any change; they were always out of reach, even if I waited a second or two for them to get closer (which I only remember doing once, because who the fuck would  let this thing get any closer than it already was?).  It was getting closer, just never within reach somehow.  After the futile swatting, the hiding commences.
Naturally, all this thrashing would scare the shit out of Boyfriend who would wake up expecting me to be on fire.
That brings us to another part of this: Boyfriend.  He’s always there when this happens.  This has never happened without him sleeping next to me.  He knows now to immediately comfort me and tell me there are no bugs, they’re not real, it was just a dream.
I have no idea what causes these hallucinations.  I wasn’t taking any drugs, not even birth control at the time.  And why bugs?  I don’t have any phobias… at all.  I mean, no one likes bugs, but not everyone has hallucinations about them, so… wtf?
I’m gonna have to draw one at some point, if I can.  They don’t make any noise, so I don’t know how I know when one’s there, nor how they move so slowly through the air (no batting wings, no threads).  They just drift, and that’s part of what makes them so scary.

honestly, this picture is just about life size

Edit: Aaaaaand of course, what’s spinning its invisible threads just above the surface of my bathroom sink this morning?  A HUGE fucking daddy long legs.  Literally the largest I’ve ever seen.  Its legs hit the wall at least two inches apart.  That fucker was enormous.

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About Toph Beifong

www.tigerlilytoph.com View all posts by Toph Beifong

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