badness, life

I should probably be doing something right now

“Things have been pretty hectic getting ready for Japan,” I’d like to be able to say, but this wouldn’t be true.  The fact is, I’ve reached a point of semi-petrified stagnation where I don’t do much of anything other than work, then come home and nap or eat, go to Shinkendo, stay out too late with friends, don’t get enough sleep and repeat the process.  Every weekend is full of something seemingly negligible but necessary (today it’s Sister’s housewarming and picking up boyfriend from the airport, tomorrow is Shinkendo and lunch with a friend who’s moving away).  The list of things I need to do is slowly growing, and all that does is make me dig in further.  One more episode of that anime I’ve already seen, then I’ll do my laundry, I tell myself when I feel like lying.  Other times there is no pretense, and I waste my time trying to get rid of my self-inflicted anxiety by ignoring the list, which is obviously the dumbest move of all time.

Naturally, this blog, which started as a way to get my ideas down and give me a place to document my life, has become something of a burden.  I felt terrible when I started grad school and my posts went from at least 15 per month to a handful.  Now I’m lucky if I put one down.  I haven’t even written about my time working at the Renaissance Faire, all those beautiful details I’m starting to forget, the progress I’m making at Shinkendo, the coyote puppies who have moved into the backyard, the little pieces of my life I had every intention of putting down for my future self to recall and enjoy.  I’m failing myself, and the people I care about, in small ways by shutting myself away and not living the way I should.

How do I induce a change?  Small steps or some grand gesture?  The grand gestures never seem to work out, and they certainly don’t last, so maybe we’ll start small.  Every day, do one thing; pack one box, mail one important document, send one email, learn one Japanese phrase.  Starting today.  I think.  Because seriously, this is my life.  Nothing huge, nothing special really, just a beautiful life that I’m living one day at a time, and every day I don’t spend constructing it into how I want it to be is a waste.  Relaxing is good and all, but that’s not what this is.  I’m fighting the current.  I should probably stop being so afraid of going to Japan and just accept how excited I am, too.  I’ve said it before, and it’s time I practiced what I preach: I fear not the future for I am its architect.


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