goodness, humor

Squirrel thief!

I was in the kitchen yesterday morning when I looked outside and saw a squirrel walking along the brick wall, and stop behind a rose bush.  He smelled it for a minute, then started tugging on it, and plucked a flower clean off.  Then he stuck it in his mouth and scampered away.  What a thief!

Boyfriend said, "It's for his squirrelfriend." lol

Boyfriend said, “It’s for his squirrelfriend.” lol


This is racist, right?

Racism isn’t always marked by a burning cross on a front lawn, or a bunch of dudes in bed sheets marching around holding the Union Jack aloft.  Racism can be subtle, it can call on unspoken assumptions (read: prejudices) that we’re not even aware of.  Until, of course, some idiot in the marketing department for a new TV show decides to use those very assumptions to sell their product.  Observe:

preeeeeetty racist

preeeeeetty racist

“Is this the face of a THIEF?”  The unspoken answer is: No, of course not!  She’s a white, female, well-fed member of the middle class.  Judging by looks alone (which is what we’ve been tasked to do), members of the dominant culture (of which I am one) would say No, of course this woman doesn’t look like a thief, and not only because she’s looking away in a typical “Why no, officer” style, but predominantly because white ladies don’t steal shit.  Which begs the question: What does a thief look like?  The unspoken answer is, of course, someone with traits unlike this woman’s: dark-skinned males.

So we’re being compelled to watch this show based on the novelty of white people breaking the law, because that’s just so crazy, right?  Which is racist.  Right?

badness, family, goodness, life, nerd

Thanksgiving grade: B+

I had a blast with my cousins over Thanksgiving.  I’ve come to discover that my mom and her siblings enjoy each other’s company while my cousins and I enjoy each other just as much, but for different reasons.  We got drunk a bunch while the adults stayed (mostly) sober for obvious reasons including Alcoholics Anonymous.  We had fun sober, too, and Chinese Friend from Office Job got to stay for two nights and experience a big American Thanksgiving before she leaves to go back to Shanghai.  She seemed to really enjoy herself, and everyone loved her.  She got invited back by everyone.  I hope she can make it, she’s pretty great.

Friday night with the cousins was epic.  I had four shots of Patron and a beer (Negro Modelo!) before promptly forgetting my phone in the bathroom where it was stolen before I realized it was gone a half-hour later.  So my iPhone 4 is totally gone.  Tragic.

We tracked it down via GPS the next day via iCloud and set off the alarm remotely after locking it, but the asshole who stole it (let’s call him Dirty Thief) turned it off, so we had to give up our search.  So sad.  I was bummed.  Now I have to spend hundreds of dollars on a new phone.  Please help.  It’s the only reason this year wasn’t a solid A in my book.

WTF this couple should be neutered. seriously, of all the HP shit to get permanently affixed to your personhood... the killing curse? really? fail.

I’m optimistic this will turn out ok.  Maybe I’ll get the 4s!  Maybe something magical will happen.  Maybe Dumbledore will come flying out of my butt holding Dirty Thief so I can pummel him before we green-flashy Avada Kedavra his ass.

If only I could pour my molten nerd-dom into the shape of a dwarven hammer, and just pummel people with it.  But then, maybe that’s what it’s like to hear me talk at all.  Huh.

badness, humor, life


One of the great things about living with Diminutive Roommate is that when I need to exact some kind of revenge on someone, she can think of half a dozen ways to do so within the law.  She and I are just great ranting buddies.  We love and encourage each other this way instead of hugging and sharing meaningful experiences.  If one of us is annoyed about something, the other is immediately pissed.  If one of us is sad about something, the other is inconsolable.  If one of us has a problem, a solution must and will be reached now, and we will reach it together.  And when one of us is wronged, we become one unit moving toward justice.

Today marks the third time I’ve had a package stolen off my doorstep.  It’s infuriating, not because I just spent $30 on something I may never be refunded for, but because of what having something that’s obviously mine stolen from inside my building implies: I’m living among thieves.  Filthy fucking thieves.  I don’t feel safe with my neighbors (which, given what I’ve written about them before, actually makes perfect sense).  Maybe I should know better by now.  I guess I just keep expecting the people I live next to to STOP STEALING MY SHIT.

maybe if i told them i was a ninja, they'd leave my packages alone

I told Diminutive Roommate about this, and she immediately got all fired up.  And thank god.  My first reaction is to be angry, then hurt that anyone (let alone my own [albeit horrible] neighbors) would do this to me.  Action was needed, and while I was wallowing in self-pity, Diminutive Roommate was already working on a plan.  Together we came up with a cheap, doable sting operation.

We’ll put a package on the doorstep/mailbox clearly addressed to me.  Inside, we’ll put a really loud remote-controlled alarm.  When the package gets nabbed, we’ll go outside and set off the alarm, following the hideously loud ruckus to the guilty party, camera rolling, and demand our horribly ear-piercing property back.  The trick will be knowing when the package gets grabbed.  Maybe we can put a pressure sensor under the package that goes off when it gets picked up…  Either way, I’ll be delighted just knowing that we startled the culprit into peeing himself a little (if there is a god).

Batman Begins was on tonight, and I caught the first third or so where Bruce fails to kill his parents’ murderer, then gets all embroiled in the underbelly of the criminal world abroad, then trains with the Shadow Society, then returns to Gotham to become the embodiment of fear that allows him to control his own.  My situation is exactly like that; I’m taking a situation that pisses me the fuck off and makes me feel like a victim, and using it to strike fear into the heart of whatever fucktard has been stupid enough to steal my hard-earned crap.  I am so full of vengeance.  It’s on.

I’m feeling really, really good about other stuff.  Yeah, I’ve lost some hours at the dojo.  Yeah, my crap keeps getting lifted from my “secure building.”  But I have a new car on the way that I’m starting to get really fucking excited about.  I’m totally batshit crazy about Boyfriend and he seems to feel the same way.  I’m probably not going to have to move to another apartment, which will save me the hassle of… moving, which is a pain in the ass.  So things are looking up overall.