Category Archives: goodness

goodness, humor, life

Imaginationland, Ford edition

apparently I have paws

I’m currently driving a 1998 Ford Explorer, a car that was caught in the pocket between a time when CDs were the shiniest music-storage format, and when the iPod bulldozed the market.  There is no tape deck and no mp3 connectivity.  I’m not about to lug all my CDs down from my apartment (one whole flight of stairs!), and the car might just eat them anyway.  So I’ve been listening to the radio, which in Los Angeles means I change the station from rap, to hip hop, to top 40, to more hip hop, to classical (always on commercials), to top 40 before I give up with a loud, “Ugh, spare me!”  The on/off button often gets stuck, so sometimes I’m forced to turn the volume all the way down and endure the ongoing disaster that is Los Angeles FM radio at the level of a whisper.  It’s maddening.

Most of the time I do manage to turn the fucking radio off, and I end up driving in silence as a result, which leaves me with only my own pulsing brain to entertain myself.  Often I sing songs that would shame me to sing in front of others (Mariah Carey, The Dixie Chicks, N’Sync, etc).  Mostly though, I talk to myself… constantly.  Rather, I talk to whomever I imagine to be there.  Here’s how it breaks down:

Ex-boyfriend– It’s so weird how you needed a ride from the airport and none of your friends could pick you up!  No, I’m not sorry we broke up, are you?  Wow, really?  No, I don’t want to give us another shot.  My life is beautiful now, and you’re fatter than ever.  Here, let me remind you why I was always right about everything…

SUCKS TO BE YOU!!

That one jerk– Things are good for me, actually, thanks for asking.  I’m working really hard, having fun with the kids, getting my Master’s, learning Kung Fu, dating a great guy, everything’s going right!  Oh yeah, you have lost a lot of hair.  I wasn’t going to say anything.  Maybe it’s because you’re so depressed over your totally foreseeable divorce.  You’re right, it was your fault.

Family member– Look, you can’t expect me to give you all my lottery winnings.  I have charities to donate to, trust funds to set up, and I think half a million is more than enough to get you out of debt and on your feet.  No, I don’t think a nanny would be a good idea.  What will I do with all my free time?  I’m thinking of doing watercolors and finishing my zobo novel.

Member of the press– Y’know, I saw the gun and I just reacted.  There was no time to think.  My natural instinct has always been to help others, it’s no surprise that I would move toward danger instead of away from it, especially with the kids around.  I mean, that guy was already shooting, I had nothing to lose.  Don’t get me wrong, a bullet to the shoulder hurts, but it’s a small price to pay for paralyzing some maniac with a semi-automatic.  Yes, a flying side kick is something I learned to do over years of training, but I never thought I’d use it, especially on someone’s neck.  I mean, what are the odds?  No, I don’t plan to keep all the reward money for his capture.  Most of it will go toward my parents’ mortgage, and my sister’s school costs.  I’m a giver.

I’m not making this shit up.  This is how my brain works.  I’m a hero, a savior, the one that got away (and sometimes a superhero!).  The car has become my fantasy pod.  Car-travel has become a magical state that allows me to transform into a glowing, powerful, courageous ball of wealth-shedding light.  And if all that fails to entertain me, or if traffic is especially stressful, I look at my rearview mirror and pretend that all the cars behind me are my armada, and we’re traveling in formation toward our future conquest!  Yes, we may die, but the battle will be glorious.  Stand tall, comrades!  They will sing our songs and call us patriots of the motherland for a thousand generations!

the imaginary navy approaches!

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goodness, humor, martial arts, work

That girlish figure

Now and then I’m reminded that kids have no idea what the world is about at all.

One of them laid down on the floor after I asked everyone to stand up, so I told him that I’d once accidentally stepped on a student because he didn’t stand up when I told him to (true) and that he had cried (false) because it had hurt him (true).  He didn’t look convinced, so I asked the kids how much they weighed.

“60 pounds!  51!  55!  62!”  Wow, I said, that’s pretty good.  How much do you guys think Sensei weighs?

Here’s what I got:

stylish!

108 pounds!  80% of my body weight.  Just enough to make me look like I would neglect my health if it meant a modeling contract.  Look at how fashionable I’d be!

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rockstar!

120 pounds!  89% of my body weight.  This just below my ideal training weight.  I’m about 125 when I’m nothing but solid muscle.  Awesome!

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um... winner?

340 pounds!  252% of my body weight.  What?!  This kid was dead serious.  This was his best guess.  At this weight, I like to think I’d be a little bit proud, like I’d just won a really shitty contest.

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clueless!

90 pounds!  67% of my body weight.  Yeah, maybe if I was 12, lol!  I don’t have a whole lot of good memories of being 90lbs (6th grade).  I had just experienced the fifth of five deaths that happened between ages 9 and 12.  I wasn’t unhappy, but I was very alone, and in hindsight, a little lost.  I’m happy to be an adult.

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censored!

1,698 pounds!  1,258% of my body weight.  That’s twelve Me’s.  Yeah, this kid was joking.  If he wasn’t, he’d still be doing pushups right now.  There isn’t a clothing size that would fit twelve Me’s.  Plus, droopy boobs!  Gross!

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stinky!

61 pounds!  45% of my body weight.  This was another serious guess.  Bear in mind that these kids had just told me  they weigh about that much, and you’ll stop thinking it’s a cute mis-guided guess, and start worrying about their super-short goldfish memories.  I would have to have been dead for a good month or so before I lost this much weight due to decomposition.

bitter and alone!

1057 pounds!  783% of my body weight.  At this point, I would have to make a choice: Aim for 1,698 pounds, or remain pissed off for being stuck in some fuck-ugly muu muu for the rest of my joint-crippling, asexual, two-seats-on-the-bus, stray cat attracting life.

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goodness, humor

Nyan

What can I say about the internet?  I loves it.  Mostly because of the cats.

Click the picture to see what I mean.

non-stop nyan

This might make it onto my page of goodness.

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anime, goodness

Underdog!

This theme song got me as a kid.  I couldn’t stand the cartoon itself, but I couldn’t get enough of the intro.  C’mon, it’s inspirational!

a simple shoeshine boy... or is he?

When criminals in this world appear,
And break the laws that they should fear,
And frighten all who see or hear,
The cry goes up both far and near for…
Underdog! (Underdog!)
Underdog! (Underdog!)
Speed of lightning,
Roar of thunder,
Fighting all who rob or plunder,
Underdog (Underdog) Underdog!

Here’s the intro itself.

And Scrubs did it a cappella (starting at 1:40).

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goodness, life

3 years without heavy metals

Boyfriend and I celebrated our three-year anniversary yesterday with sushi (mmmm, salmon).  I can’t believe it.  It doesn’t feel that long.  We’re really happy together.  It’s… kinda really, really nice.

I do! lol

A couple days ago he asked if I would choose to get a ring, earrings or necklace as a present.  I kinda stared at him like, “um… what?”  He knows I don’t wear jewelry, given how many chances there would be to lose it when I take it off at the dojo and at home.  And we’re not the type to exchange expensive gifts (I got him a button-down shirt this year.  Last year was go kart tickets).  Then I figured here’s my chance to get a present!  LOL  I said a ring, so I can look at it and feel loved (which is hard to do with the other two).

I don’t take this as a sign of an incoming shiny bauble.  Boyfriend is the type to gather information, and wait for the perfect time, the perfect item, the perfect circumstance before he were to introduce anything as substantial as precious metals into the relationship.  I told him once that I would be satisfied with a ring made of thread, and that I would cherish it in the stead of a traditional ring.  It’s true.  I’m proud of the person I’ve become, if that’s how I feel about jewelry.

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badness, goodness, life

Selective memory

I wonder if I’ll ever stop remembering those things I’d like to forget. Will I think of that creepy guy when I was 13 on a walk with my dog every time I drive down that street?  Will I ever forget that tip that friend I’ve lost touch with told me about turning down the burner?  Do I have to keep thinking about that fight we had in high school?  It was so long ago.  When will the remembering end?  Sometimes I’d like it to stop.

like this, but with a square toe

But there’s so much I desperately want to keep in my head.  Every conversation I have with my family (how many are left?), the way my friends and I used to hang out and talk all the time (I miss that), the things I loved about my first car (her name was Danny), those horrible loafers I wore to high school (I secretly loved them), the names of the kids at the dojo (I’m terrified of seeing them out and about).

So I need to write things down, and take pictures, and tell stories.  It’s a large part of why I started this blog; so the remembering doesn’t stop.  Because in the end, there’s so much more I’d rather not forget.

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goodness, humor

Fantastic government videos

Wow, United States Patent and Trademark Office.  WOW.  I am just… so pleased.

in a day when the size of your shoulderpads = how successful you were (like a female codpiece)

I did my first successful freelance martial arts gig about a week ago, and I was passing out cards with the name of my operation, but I haven’t trademarked it yet.  I googled “trademark,” and the USPTO (United States Patent and Trademark Office) came up.  And hey look!  They had an instructive video for noobs!  How sweet.  I’ll bet it consists of some plain woman walking around some dismal office in a pant-suit and shoulder pads (circa 1985), listing in a thin monotone while vaguely gesturing to the cheap bullet points that appear next to her as she lists all the boring shit I’ll have to read and fill out to get the process started.  Her hair will be the most entertaining visual aid, and her tobacco-stained teeth will resemble the linoleum in my bubbie’s kitchen.  The image will be grainy.  It’ll look like some shitty high school project.  Someone will walk by near the water cooler and engage in some jerky, awkwardly informative dialog with our host, then mercifully slink away, allowing her to once again focus on us, her victi-I mean viewers, with her dead gorgon eyes.

Yes, my expectations were good and set.  I’ve been putting off watching this video for a solid couple of weeks.  Well no more!  If I must watch it, then so be it!  My little one-woman company must must forward!  To the future!  To the trademark office!  To the educational video!

initiate fake shiny logo!

About ten seconds into this video, the collective weight of all my nasty assumptions imploded upon itself like a dying star.  The USPTO has apparently created an informative video in the guise of a mock news channel, complete with graphics, anchors (with names like Mark Trademan), a well-designed newsroom (completely digitally created), and even a little ticker along the bottom and feeds “United States patent and Trademark Office – Search on TESS – File on TEAS” over and over.  Not exactly informative, but it lends a sense of authenticity to have scrolling text meander across the bottom 5% of the screen.

It’s called TMIN (Trademark Information Network), and boy am I impressed.  Let’s watch!

is he winking at us?

Holy shit, it’s the Undersecretary of Commerce for Intellectual Property, live via satelite!  How did they swing that?  CNN’s been trying to nail that guy down for weeks!  And the Deputy Undersecretary!  The Undersecretary explains quite clearly what the differences between a patent, trademark, and copyrights are.

Too bad he’s stuck in that totally unfurnished office.  At least he has a nice view of the autumn colors until the cleaning crew arrives to let him out.

Now it’s up to the Deputy Undersecretary to really thrill us with her stunning delivery of the process of trademarking, etc.  Take it away, Sharon!

that's her "winner's flinch"

Woah, never mind!  Grab a nap, relax, maybe stop having that seizure first.

talk about trademark infringement

Wait, is that “reporter” in a Radioshack?  I thought this was a news room.

But enough chit-chat with the higher-ups.  It’s time for a 3D graphics display from an incredible, entirely fabricated piece of machinery, followed by a sit-down interview with OH MAI GAWD it’s a pant-suit!  And shoulder pads!  We found them, and they were here all along!  They were hanging out with the awkwardly informative dialog!  Yikes, it’s almost like she’s wearing camouflage of some kind.

"I borrowed this outfit from my mommy."

This guy just said we can use trademarks without registering them with the USPTO.  Wtf?  Oh wait, I need to protect it somehow.  Damn, never mind.

Wait!  This lady just said that the people who enforce this protection is the trademark owner.  So if someone tries to use my logo on their stuff, I get to use my ninja skillz to stop them?  And that’s legal?  Who knew the USPTO would encourage street justice?  I’m seriously diggin’ this video.

Bearing in mind that this thing was written by the guy who plays the head anchor, it really wasn’t half bad, especially given all I’ve retained about trademarking.  There are ten videos on his page.  My weekend is shaping right up.

EDUCATIONAL MATERIAL:

Patents are usually for inventions of some kind, things like machinery.  Trademarks are business-oriented, and protect brand names, slogans and logos.  Copyrights are often “entertainment oriented,” and protect books, movies, paintings and music.

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goodness

omg. KIDS.

My cousin showed me this video of a little girl who is chosen to join the Jedi Academy at Disneyland.  When the big fight with Darth Vader comes up, little Sariah does the unexpected: she crosses over to the dark side.

Watch her kneel like a veteran Sith.

brutal!

While the crowd is busy going wild for this girl’s decision to serve the Dark Side, Vader reacts like a champ: “All too easy,” he says, as the Jedi attempts to collect himself.

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goodness

Gee!

everybody hanbok!

The sheer ridiculousness of what pop culture can produce occasionally pulls me out of my sulking, teeny-bop-hating shell, and makes me smile.  A couple years ago, I could blame Girls Generation for doing this.

Gee has to be one of the cutest and simultaneously creepiest videos I’ve ever seen.  The song is super catchy, and the choreography is spot on.  Still, every move these girls make looks so practiced, especially their facial expressions and cutesy little hand gestures (called aegyo, which, I realize, are more common in countries like Japan and South Korea than in the U.S., but still, it’s weird).  They could be made of plastic, so the fact that they start out as mannequins is disturbingly accurate.

why no, Im not wearing makeup

They also spend the whole video acting like spoiled little girls, but wear stylish, skin-tight clothes with four-inch heels.  I grew up surrounded by Korean females of all ages who had the tendency to dress their age, but act like little girls when teased; this behavior was pretty much standard.  Still, seeing girls dress like women and act like children is just… wrong.

Having said that, I was pretty excited to find out that the odds of making it into one of these groups seems pretty high.  Some of them seem to change members on an annual basis.  Of the 41 major all-female singing groups that South Korea has churned out in the past four years, there were 212 current and past members.  That’s 53 potential members per year.  That’s literally about a one-in-a-million chance, but that’s still better than the lottery.  The only requirement seems to be glasses-cracking cuteness and a fathom worth of legs.  In fact, if we average their height at 5′ 4″, the cumulative leg length of these female hearth-throbs would span more than one fifth of a mile (22%).  Bad news, North Korea.  South Korea is officially WINNING.

80% of all their photos are 100% leg

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