family, goodness, life, manfolk

Upgrade complete

Yesterday was moving day from the apartment where Diminutive Roommate and I have been living for three years to a new place with a new third roommate just a mile to the east.

With a big event like a move, something’s gonna go wrong.  This move demonstrated Murphy’s Law too well at times.

Wednesday, August 31st: The day before the move
I got an IM from Diminutive Roommate saying that everyone except me had failed to sign one random page of the lease, and that we couldn’t get the keys for the new place without it.  Bear in mind that this is the same management who failed to check that we had signed each page when I delivered the lease (although, to be fair, we didn’t check either), and who refused to give us the keys the night before because our lease didn’t start until the 1st.  Of course, their office didn’t open until 9am, so even though we were officially on the lease, we would have to wait for their office to open to get the keys.  So instead of “wrongly” having the keys from 6pm (when their office closed) to midnight, they would withhold them from us from midnight to 9am on the 1st.  Or we could pay $85 for one day of pro-rated rent.  I smell bullshit.  We planned to pick up the keys first thing in the morning and hope for the best.

I got home on the 31st, said hi to Calico, wandered down the hall to my room, flicked on the light, and… wait, why isn’t the light coming on?  *click, click, click, click* No light.  I went back to the front door to see if the building’s lights were on in the hall (yes).  I flicked the light switch in the kitchen to see if the problem was localized to my room (nope).  I sighed, and chuckled, and called Diminutive Roommate:
“Hey there, just calling to see how you’re doing, and make sure that page got signed by everyone, and we’re good to go for tomorrow, although if you needed help with it I guess you would have called me.  Uh… oh, by the way (haha!), when did you arrange for the power to be turned off here?  Cus there’s a little surprise for you when you get home!  Call me!”

"are you shitting me?"

I ate some melty ice cream, and frowned at the two wedges of brie that had been sitting in a dark, un-powered refrigerator all day.  As prepared as we were, there was still work to do.  I did that eyelid-fluttering mind-search that helps me remember things, and went straight to the box where I had packed the candles (win!).  I packed the last of my junk amid some flickering, romantic lighting, did some packing in the kitchen, and realized at 830pm that I hadn’t had dinner.  I drove around looking for a post office drop box to leave our cable box in, then arrived at Fancy-pants Farms to get a sammich only to discover them 10 minutes past closing.  I crash-landed in a CPK booth instead, and had a nice chat with the waiter who enjoyed The Hobbit more than the following Lord of the Rings trilogy (disagree).  Diminutive Roommate finally got back to me after two and a half hours of calling and texting.  Drove home to find her mulling around in the dark.  We agreed we had done all we could, and hit the sack.

Thursday, September 1st: The day of the move
I wake up around 7 before the alarm and can’t get back to sleep (too excited/ready for it to start the move so it can be over).  Melissa leaves around 815am to get keys and garage clickers from management.  I finish packing up, and pace around while the movers arrive a half-hour late, and seem to move in slow motion once they arrive.  At one point, time seemed to flash to a halt and balance on fine point in the exact spot where I sat.  I could feel each second pass like dripping water, and the expanse of the hours before the move would be done stretched out before me as a vast ocean of carboard boxes and the smell of moving blankets.  It was a low point in my day.

"JUST LEAVE YOUR KEYS ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER."

Diminutive Roommate takes her garage clicker to the new place to test it.  The owners of our old apartment building, an older couple, come by with the manager (let’s call him Melty-face) to check out the apartment.  They seem nice enough.  I tell them about how my dehumidifier pulled one cup of water out of the air per hour in my room alone.  The lady looks shocked, and asks if I left the window open during the rain.  I said no, and that the moisture might be in the walls, because we didn’t know where it was coming from.  She didn’t like the sound of that.  Not.  One.  Bit.

Meanwhile I had missed a text from Diminutive Roommate regarding her garage clicker: it won’t work.  She slouches into the kitchen minutes later, and I decide what I need to get back into the game is a quick verbal sparring match with our new management (who couldn’t give us the keys six hours early, but was kind enough to screw up our garage clickers).  I bid a final farewell to our old apartment, and drive a mile east with all our artwork wrapped in brown paper in the back of my little Fiat.  Boyfriend and I try both clickers in every combination possible to no avail.  I call management (let’s call them Overworked Equities).
lady: Overworked Equities.
me: Hi, I’m moving into [address redacted] today, and the garage clickers we picked up this morning aren’t working.
lady: Ok, you’ll have to come in and pick up two new ones.
me: …Absolutely not.  Our movers will be here in 20 minutes.  You need to find another solution.  I’m not driving all the way to your office.
lady: *sigh* Ok, well, uh… ok hold on.
After being bounced around I finally get hold of a guy who speed-talks me through the problem, and says someone will be by in 20 minutes to fix it.

Ten minutes after our movers arrive, a guy comes and opens the gate after fiddling with it and referring to several pages of numbers (“This code isn’t working.  They must have changed it without telling me.”).  The movers make extensive use of the freight elevator, which one coupled set of tattooed Hispanic residents did not like.  The lady asked me if the movers were emptying the elevator and staging everything in the hall first, or moving things one by one, “because that’s slow, and I gotta move my stuff from storage 3 to storage 1.”  Thanks for the warm welcome!

Over the course of the move, even when we ran into problems, I kept a pretty up-beat attitude.  It wasn’t hard; we were so close to finally getting into our new place.  I got short with Boyfriend once (he was being contrarian), but otherwise had maintained a good, positive drive.  But it was not to last.

My father is sort of a Renaissance man.  He’s a lawyer who grew up on sailing and canoeing teams in Hawai’i, loves to hike and navigate the wild, has quite a green thumb, and is currently rebuilding some derelict stairs on the hill behind his house (like a pro).  At our house growing up, he had a garage which he converted to a workshop where he could typically be found late at night working on something or another.  I have fond and powerful memories of spending time there in the summer.  The concrete was always cool on my feet.  He built a bench for Sister and I to stand on so we could “help” him on projects.  The smell of sawdust, the sound of a table saw, the sound of a plane on wood were all visceral experiences for me, and I smile even now thinking about it.

Dad built a hutch out of ash in that workshop while I was a kid.  Dad always said, “Ash is known as the poor man’s oak,” meaning it was cheaper than oak, but just as sturdy.  He did all the dovetail joints himself with a chisel.  The handles on the doors and drawers are solid brass, shiny and smooth.  It’s the closest thing we have to a family heirloom, and it weighs roughly a ton.  It’s never been an easy piece of furniture to move, and this time was no different.

inconsolable

There’s a sharp turn from one hallway to another into my room in the new apartment.  The movers took one look at it and said, “It’s not gonna fit.”  My heart sank.  Then they tried, and it didn’t fit.  We stood in the living room discussing where to put it.  “You want it there?  That’s a good spot,” one of them offered.  I held up a finger to ask them to wait, walked down the hall into my room, and burst into tears.  Boyfriend came in to tell me something, and instead asked me what was wrong.  “If the hutch can’t fit into my room, I don’t know what I’m going to do.”  I had reached the end of my rope.  This problem was just too much for me to handle.  Where would I put my clothes?  This beautiful chest my father made for Sister and me as kids would sit in the living room like a common piece of furniture instead of being safely stationed in my bedroom where I could look at it everyday and feel love for it (and from it).  My chest hurt.  I sat on the floor and cried like a child.

Boyfriend went into problem-solving work mode, and began inspecting the window.  “I can pop this screen right off.  I’m gonna measure it.  I think it could fit.  Do you want to ask the movers to try that?”  Neither of us thought they’d be game to try putting a giant, heavy piece of furniture through a window.  I looked up from my spot on the floor and shook my head, “Will you ask them?”  Boyfriend did, and they tried it, and it worked.  The hutch stands in my room now, facing the bed, holding my books and clothes just like it should.  Heart mended, I got back to work.

After some more sweating and shuffling around the mess we’d made in the living room, I asked Boyfriend to go grab some In-n-Out for us and the movers so I could stay and coordinate.  We moved some boxes out of the way and made room at the kitchen table for a meal.  Boyfriend arrived with the food just as they brought in the plaid couch.  We didn’t realize how hungry we were until we started eating.  The van was empty, we were all full of food, and the mover said he would like cash (even though their website said they took credit card).  I drove to an ATM, counted out the cash, signed his papers, went upstairs, and unpacked my room for the next six hours until all that was left was the computer.  It was finally time to sleep.

My current room is about a third smaller than my last, which I’m surprisingly happy about.  I thought I would feel cramped, but looking back, my room always felt a little hollow.  I have less furniture in my current room, but it feels roomier somehow.  There’s a nice central open area in the middle, the closet isn’t packed to the gills, my bookshelf is organized, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let it start getting all cluttered.  And I’m changing out the damn vertical blinds for something that blacks out that damn exterior hall light.

In other news my roommates are awesome.  We shared a beer and some Indian food from Samosa House (best vegetarian food ever).  I’m feeling good about this whole setup.

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Dreamtime

I meant to come home and pack and paint, but I’ve been so exhausted I thought I’d venture a nap.  I suck at napping.  I can’t stop thinking and getting distracted by little noises.  The longer it takes me to fall asleep, the more annoyed I get that I haven’t, until I’m so frustrated that I have to get up.

As silly as this sounds, I need Boyfriend there to fall asleep.  He’s like Ambien, and without him, I’m sunk.  But today, for the first time in a long time, I fell asleep (after a while).  And then I had awesome, bizarre dreams.  I woke up a half hour ago, and had to write them down.  I love being a vivid dreamer.  Except during nightmaretime.  Nightmaretime is the worst time.

I’m supposed to be at a birthday party for Curly Asian Friend, but I was exhausted after work, so I took a nap and fell asleep at Karate Job.  When I wake up, I rush over to a restaurant to find my friends waiting for a table in a lobby.  Curly Asian Friend is wearing the most tattered, semi-transparent boxers I’ve ever seen, and when he bends over to more closely inspect something on the wall, it’s like he’s mooning us.  I giggle, and when he leaves to go to the bathroom, I point it out to my other friends, who howl with laughter.  Then everything resets and I’m waking up at Karate Job again.  My boss is there with four or five toddlers and their moms, singing some horrible, off-key song about birthdays or something.  I hate it.  I ask my boss which CPK I should go to to meet my friends, and she tells me.  I rush to meet them for dinner.  As I sit at the table, the owners of the restaurant release two female lions for a more exotic feel.  The lions walk side by side, rubbing faces, heading for our table.  One of them slams its paw on the table close to me twice, as if hunting for a bug before they are taken away.  There are three frightened Siamese kittens in the bathroom who run and huddle when I try to pet them.

SHIFT

I’m supposed to be collecting intelligence for a group.  I use my fans to fly across a seaside town to a school (college?).  I find my car, cruise angrily for parking, and when I open my passenger door for some reason, it hits a guy in the face as he’s getting into his own black SUV.  I freeze, then rush over to apologize.  His contact lens has been pushed to the wrong part of his eye, it’s not a big deal, he fixes it.  When he looks up, and I can see that he’s beautiful;  hazel eyes, tan skin, longish hair, a kind smile.  I know him somehow.  I get close to inspect the scratch over his eye, he pokes fun at me for being nosy.  I smile and agree, and back off.  I ask for his name: Meredith.  I say, Meredith, to help me remember.  Later, his sister calls him Marciano.  I meet her and their father at a mansion, we go out on the veranda.  I take four fans (two white, two black) just in case I run into trouble.  Turns out they are enemies, and calmly take two of my fans from a table where I placed them, thinking them weapons.  I grab the other two, and as the sister is lying down to sunbathe with a white fan under her head, I knock her unconscious with one of them, saying “Esto es el mio.”  When I reach for the fan, it has turned into a white bottle of wine.  A bodyguard suddenly takes notice, and raises his gun.  I throw the wine bottle at him before I make a dash for the edge of the balcony and leap with fans out.  I can only glide because I’m so panicked.  I hit the ground running, and don’t look back.  I need to find a high place to take off from so I can flee.

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That fresh feeling

I am occasionally overwhelmed with a sense of love for my friends.  Love, like fear, is difficult to describe.  I have to rely on our shared experience as humans to convey the depth of my loyalty and affection for them.  I would describe the sensation like this: I’m on a boat on the ocean.  I jump overboard and squeeze my eyes shut as I plunge into the water; that flash of adventurous anticipation that forces my eyes open before I stop sinking and start to float: that’s what love feels like: an adventure.  Then it wells up inside me, a bubbling, laughing fountain, overflowing at my temples, coating me with a bright, oily shine.

I think I will never get to know my friends as well as I would like.  Like a second family, my goal is to make them feel loved, and sometimes I fail.  I want to make their lives easier, to protect them from hardship, and feed them delicious meals.  I want to provide for them and fight for them.  I want them to sleep soundly at night.  I want them to believe their hard work will pay off.  I want to give each of them the chance to succeed in their own way.  I want them to never feel alone.

As I read what I’ve written I realize this is how a parent feels for her child, and I begin to understand that all love probably shares common roots: protection, encouragement, joy, success.

I feel like I could power a tiny mouse-town with this feeling.  It spins like a top behind my eyes, and hums contentedly in my chest.  I smile quietly in the dark as I wait for sleep, in the car as I glance in the rear-view mirror, on the couch watching TV with Boyfriend, knowing I will see my friends soon.

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Le Move

I might have to hide somewhere in here and jump out at Diminutive Roommate tonight

I have too much stuff.  I thought to myself, “Moving will be so cleansing!  What an excellent experience!  I can’t wait to start getting rid of all the junk I’ve been accumulating for the past three-plus years I’ve been living here!”  While all that’s good and true, packing the other 85% of my crap has been distinctively less rewarding.  All my free time for the past two weeks has been taken up with driving all over LA picking up cardboard boxes from people on craigslist, packing, spackling, painting, and discovering more crap that needs packing.  Yesterday we went through the kitchen (almost done!).  Highlight: We got rid of 90% of the liquor cabinet, and discovered that I still had one bottle of that wine I love so much!  A night of celebratory imbibing will certainly be in order once we settle in.

Today we’ll be dealing with Diminutive Roommate’s flatscreen tv.  The plan is to wrap it in moving blankets, then not break it.  The move has been exhausting but good.  I got to see which art books I want to keep (almost all), and which I should really take a look at instead of piling crap in front of them (Van Dyck is the man, y’all).  Diminutive Roommate’s cat (Calico) has found a new nook  to tuck into every day, which is adorable, and I’m starting to get excited about the new place.

I could go for a solid four hour nap, but I have to get packing again… After I finish this episode of Kaze no Stigma.

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Nightmare on paper

There’s an artist named David Devries who takes children’s drawings of monsters and redraws them to look more realistic.  It’s a super cool idea, and I like the execution.  I almost feel like he’s too true to the kids’ drawings, though.  Kids draw ideas, representations of what they see in their minds.  They can’t draw exactly what they see, but when something is tall, they draw it thin and long, that kind of thing.  I think a little artistic license would be fun for this guy’s project.

I had a recurring nightmare growing up in which I would hide at the end of a narrow outdoor hallway.  There’s nowhere to hide though, so I just crouched down on the floor and made myself as small as possible while keeping my feet under me and my eyes up in case I needed to run (to where?  I was trapped).  I usually dreamed vividly, so the fact that this dream was always in black and white is probably why it stuck with me.  At the end of this hall/alleyway, is a street where people are walking by, going about their day.  But of course, they’re not really people.  They’re long, gangly, black figures with long snout-faces.  They were indistinguishable from each other.

Being a Communist state or whatever, everyone had to conform.  I was clearly not conforming, because I wasn’t a Snout-Face, which is why I had to hide.  Naturally one of them spotted me and came after me.  And he brought friends.  They came marching down the alley with a swift, chilling grace that made panic set fire to my insides, and woke me up.

There really is no way to describe how purely fear is felt in a nightmare.  It’s just terrifying.  Luckily, we’ve all had that experience, so we don’t need to find the words to explain it.

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Not my best month ever

This has not been my best month ever.

me vs. universe. guess which one is me.

We lost a great roommate (High School Friend) to graduate school in another state, and attempted to fill her spot.  Without friends available to do so, we searched on Craigslist with semi-disastrous results (Treacherous Wench backed out the day before she was supposed to move in).  So we gambled and assumed that Diminutive Roommate’s old college roomie would be able to live with us if we could find a place that suited our needs (i.e. a bigger room for her).  Luckily she has decided to live with us (yay!).  Two Saturdays in a row we hunted for apartments all day long, driving around the Westside in my little Fiat, hoping to find an owner or manager desperate enough to offer us a place on the spot because, let’s face it, it was the 20th, and we were running out of time.

We found a place we all loved, they even put in new carpets!  But it took us a while to get our paperwork in.  Finally, with everything properly submitted, a couple nail-biting days passed before we heard that my parents will have to cosign the least to make up for my apparently questionable, previously immaculate credit.

Furious at this blatantly false accusation, I rushed home from Karate Job to check my credit score.  Three days ago, it dropped 55 points.  Fifty-five points.  In one day.  HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN.  Apparently when you get a new car and put in two applications for apartments, your credit gets checked all the fucking time.  I also paid one bill late last week (through no fault of my own THANKS FOR NOTHING, GAP).  Five hard inquiries within a month later, my credit score could not stand the constant verification, and collapsed under the weight of the absurd credit rating system to which it is a tiny, starved, brainless slave.

Now, at age 27, I have to call up my folks and ask them to vouch for me financially, after I just bought the first brand new car my family has ever owned, impressing everyone with my financial prowess.  It’s infuriating, and frankly humiliating.

Now begins the moving process, when I spend all my free time attempting to fit my life into too few boxes in too little time.  Which means… no more World of Warcraft until after the move.  DAMMIT, UNIVERSE, I NEED MY FIX.

Not my best month ever.

P.S. Amidst all this, I’m happy about something: moving is a cleansing process which, while difficult, is always good.  It’s an exercise that needed to happen.  I have too much stuff.  I need to shed all that extra fur and let my summer coat come out.  You should see my summer coat.  Gorgeous.

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Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

I got some bad news this morning.  The girl who was planning on moving in with Diminutive Roommate and me bailed on us.  Yesterday.  Via Facebook.  The day before she was going to move in.  It’s been a stressful morning.  I got a message from Diminutive Roommate (who had just read the Facebook message about how Traitorous Wench was basically dumping us for someone else).

hey look, it's me.

I called her back as I parked for work at Office Job, and spent a good half hour ranting with her about how screwed we would be if we weren’t financially responsible, hard-working people.  We’re both just shocked at how selfish Traitorous Wench has been.  Diminutive Roommate suggested taking her to small claims court.  I said we should wait a week or two and see if our sakki* had subsided by then.

Faced with annoying, stressful (but not horrible) crap, I regress into imaginationland, or find something to laugh at.  I decided to have a look at the most popular searches that have brought my blog to the attention of the world.  The results are pretty great.

dýně– Czech for pumpkin.  I get lots of hits for pumpkins.  No surprise there.  Pumpkins are the best.
фацепалм– Russian for facepalm.  I might have some friends in Russia if this is what they’re searching for.
юри хэнтай– Russian, something relating to hentai.  I just lost some friends in Russia if this is what they’re searching for.
требушет– Russian for trebuchet.  Heads up, Japan.  They’re doing their research.
goat in karate outfit– This is my favorite search so far.  I’ve written about martial arts, I’ve posted about goats standing on stuff.  The two were unrelated, until now.
гай фокс– Russian for Guy Fawkes (I think).  The most popular search term for my blog is Guy Fawkes.  Random.
what is hentai?– Among all the other explicitly hentai sex-driven searches my blog experiences, the innocence of this search is heartbreaking.  Imagine what this brought up.  My posts mentioning hentai are nerf-town compared to what’s out there.
the beavers over under sideways down– Wow!  Someone actually searched for this super obscure Japanese 1960’s band!  Sweet!
sexy orochimaru– What?!  No no no.
جاى فوكس– This translates roughly to “gay fox vagina.”  Wow.  Way to go, UAE.
фильм сомбреро– Russian for Sombrero!  Ole!
scary basking shark pictures– Is there any other kind?  Seriously, basking sharks are horrifying to behold.

Ironically, I played a game called Betrayal at House on Haunted Hill last night at Treehouse friend’s place, during which I became the “traitor,” and went around the house attacking and eventually subduing the rest of the participants.  It’s like art reflecting life.  Traitorous Wench!

*Sakki is a Japanese term describing a sense of bloodlust, or killing intent, directed at another person.  High-level practitioners of martial energy work (Aikido, Samurai, etc.) can sense this.  Even those with no energy or martial arts training can sense this enough to become intimidated or frightened.  This concept is mentioned in Lone Wolf and Cub, Naruto, Inuyasha, and many other manga and anime in which combat is common.  See here and here.

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Proof; dogs are the best

OMFG ok so apparently there is a professional photographer (named Carli Davidson) who has FINALLY decided to do what I wanted to do in middle school: take photos of dogs mid-shake.  You can see them here.

For the record: Dogs are awesome, and in no small part because they do hilarious stuff like shaking all their loose skin around so hard that they hit themselves in the eye with their own lips.  I think people love dogs because they’re the same animal before and after doing something stupid and humiliating.  They’re panting and happy before they accidentally run into the wall on their way down the stairs, and they’re panting and happy afterward.  Who wouldn’t love that kind of hilarious consistency?

I had a 130lb golden retriever growing up named Buster.  He was the BEST.  He would lean on you with all his weight if you pet him, and fall over if you stepped away too fast.  His tail was so strong that it could (and did) slam doors.  He would occasionally go nuts, and run up and down the stairs at break-neck speed for no reason, only to slip on the wood floor at the base of the stairs, and roll around in my parents room with a mad look in his eyes before taking off down the hall again.  When we played with him, he would never gnaw on us too hard.  Mom would yell “Ow!” when he chewed on her arm, and he would let go and calm down until she pet him to show she was ok.  He kept her company at home while she took time off work.  Sister liked to put hats on him, and tried to get him to sleep in her bed (he always took up all the room).  He was a total softie, and would scamper to hide behind us if a significantly smaller dog barked at him on the street.  I once kicked a dog that went after him.  When the owner yelled at me, I told him to put his (significantly smaller) animal on a leash.  The only time anyone ever heard him growl was when Mom was home alone, and a man who came to the house wouldn’t let her shut the front door on him.  Buster apparently stood next to Mom and snarled.  The man left.  What a great dog.  We found him in 1995 wandering the streets while babysitting another golden retriever named Sadie.  He died at home in 2002 while I was on a first (and last) date with a friend.  He was the BEST.

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Small miracles

Today I read an article that made me cry a little.  Yeah, everyone knows I’m a big softy with a sharp mouth.  This one made my heart grow three sizes.

It’s so rare to hear good news that involves an interaction between the religious community and the gay community, but that’s exactly what this article is: a beautiful little story where a priest and a gay dude in his undies smiled and understood each other.

Grab a tissue and read it here.  Then share it.

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OMFG Imaginarium

inside: pure magic

I cannot begin to describe how rapidly and thoroughly I lost my shit whenever I saw the Imaginarium storefront.  My child-brain turned to mush as soon as I walked through the small door (I don’t think I ever entered through the big door).  My parents never bought us anything from this fantastic wonderland of magic and Legos, but they were generous enough to let us wander around and stare at stuff.  And stare we did.  O man.  Did I stare.

Not that I can remember anything I saw in there.  Except for the magnetic train set on wooden tracks that went up and down and made little turns and went through an awesome bridge… UGH I WANTED IT SO BAD!!

I still do.

UPDATE:
Holy shit here it is!  The Imaginarium Classic Train Table with Roundhouse Wooden Train Set!  Just $285!

perfection

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