badness, goodness, life

Oh, Imaginary Thing, please protect me from this other Imaginary Thing

faith's all, CHILL, I GOT THIS

What I love (read: despise) about religion is that it claims to be the only cure for a problem it creates.  That’s like stealing everyone’s light bulbs, then “helpfully” selling them flashlights.

Leave it to the Flemish painters of the 16th century to illustrate this idea perfectly.  Check out this drawing by Maarten van Heemskerck, entitled “Man Protected By the Shield of Faith.”

As if the devil (whose penis is a forked tongue, and knees are capped with beast heads, because being the devil isn’t enough, apparently you really have to illustrate it with messed up genitalia and patellas) isn’t a fabrication of the very faith that claims to protect man from him.  Without religion, faith and the devil disappear, and this illustration becomes a drawing of a man playing a game of “If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands.”

But then, without  the talent of Flemish artists to freak us out, and religion to freak them out, we wouldn’t have paintings like this one by Joos van Cleve, where Jesus is totally ripped and wearing a Superman cape while squashing some poor fat putti (tiny pudgy angel kids).  I recall from my art history classes (which I loved) that Jesus is often depicted as physically fit when placed in a Last Judgement scene, which this is.  Still hilarious, though.  “He died for your sins, then went to Gold’s gym to pump iron and check out the ladies on the treadmills.”

meanwhile, everyone in the foreground is all, WTF WHY DID WE BRING OUR BED SHEETS TO THE APOCALYPSE FML

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family, goodness, life

Lunar eclipse

I woke up at 4:45am to go watch the lunar eclipse with my dad the other day.  He brought a home-made coffee service in a basket.  We sat on the beach in our sleeping bags and watched a white moon turn rusty orange/red before disappearing behind so much atmosphere as the sun rose.

There weren’t many people out there, but of those people, everyone was in twos or threes because waking up before dawn to stare at the moon for over an hour in the biting cold would be unbearable without company.  Dad and I laid down and chatted between binocular viewings of the eclipse, which looked somewhat apocalyptic.  I was warm and tired, but happy to be chatting with my dad, participating in something he was enthusiastic about.

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humor, life

I’m talkin’ ’bout zobos here, people

i'm gonna go with 'probably'

I’ve been writing a zombie novel for the last… year or so.  Although I haven’t done any writing for it in at least half a year.  Regardless, I need to get back on that, because I love to write, and zombies are just a great subject.  How much time have my friends and I spent chatting about what we would do in case of a zombie apocalypse?

The plan is roughly this: weapons, allies, supplies, in that order.

Weapons
We go to Sport Chalet, and pick up some aluminum bats.  They’re an ideal weapon because they’re light, fairly compact, they never wear out, they never run out of ammo, and they require very little upkeep (rust would be an issue eventually).  We also need to pick up some paintball masks to guard our mouths and eyes from any splattering zombie heads (which would be pretty excessive, what with the bats).  Plus, masks are fucking scary, and if we want to intimidate another group of people, masks can only help.  They would also lend to the group a sense of uniformity and solidarity; both essential when shit gets hairy because during a big fight, we have to be able to distinguish living from undead, and we have to watch each other’s backs.
Personally, I’d love to get my hands on a samurai sword, since they’re sharp as shit and my arms would get tired (and then ripped) after swinging that bat all over.  They’re so efficient; you don’t need a huge wind-up to get the job done (although if the dismembered head could still bite, this could prove to be a problem in the future.  Best to eliminate the problem entirely by smashing the head into oblivion).

Allies
Find your crew and stick together.  Being a loner is good for the sake of simplicity, but it makes sleeping, bathing, urinating, and pretty much everything else you do without your friend Aluminum Bat in your hands hazardous.  Someone has to be there to yell, “Watch out!” when that zobo you thought you took care of comes crawling out from under a car.  And people need to interact with each other.  It keeps the mind alert and relaxed in (what I would imagine) would otherwise be a mind-numbing, frantically stressful existence.

Supplies
When I say supplies, I mean basic stuff like rations, toiletries and clothing.  This stuff is last because with enough armed allies, you can take whatever you want from whomever you want.  The zombie apocalypse will be a war zone.  Survival is priority one.  Brutal, but true.

I’ve got zobos on the brain because I just watched Zombieland with some friends, and omg that shit was hilarious.  So much better than I thought it would be.  The kid with the rules?  Awesome.  My personal favorite?  The double-tap.  That’s just good policy.  I’m on board with that.

I’ve been writing a zombie novel for the last… year or so.  Although I haven’t done any writing for it in at least half a year.  Regardless, I need to get back on that, because I love to write, and zombies are just a great subject.  How much time have my friends and I spent chatting about what we would do in case of a zombie apocalypse?  The plan is generally this: weapons, allies, supplies, in that order.Weapons
We go to Sport Chalet, and pick up some aluminum bats.  They’re an ideal weapon because they’re light, fairly compact, they never wear out, they never run out of ammo, they require very little upkeep (rust would be an issue eventually).  We also need to pick up some paintball masks to guard our mouths and eyes from any splattering zombie heads (which would be pretty excessive, what with the bats).  Plus, masks are fucking scary, and if we want to intimidate another group of people, masks can only help.  They would also lend to the group a sense of uniformity and solidarity; both essential when shit gets hairy because during a big fight, we have to be able to distinguish living from undead, and we have to watch eachother’s backs.
Personally, I’d love to get my hands on a samurai sword, since they’re sharp as shit and my arms would get tired (and then ripped) after swinging that bat all over.  They’re so efficient; you don’t need a huge wind-up to get the job done (although if the dismembered head could still bite, this could prove to be a problem in the future.  Best to eliminate the problem entirely by smashing the head into oblivion).

Allies
Find your crew and stick together.  Being a loner is good for the sake of simplicity, but it makes sleeping, bathing, urinating, and pretty much everything else you do without your friend Aluminum Bat in your hands hazardous.  Soemone has to be there to yell, “Watch out!” when that zobo you thought you took care of comes crawling out from under a car.  And people need to interact with eachother.  It keeps the mind alert and relaxed in (what I would imagine) would otherwise be a mind-numbing, frantically stressful existence.

Supplies
When I say supplies, I mean basic stuff like rations, toiletries and clothing.  This stuff is last because with enough armed allies, you can take whatever you want from whomever you want.  The zombie apocalpyse will be a war zone.  Survival is priority one.  Brutal, but true.

I’ve got zobos on the brain because I just watched Zombieland with some friends, and omg that shit was hilarious.  The kid with the rules?  Awesome.  My personal favorite?  The double-tap.  That’s just good policy.  I’m on board with that.

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