Why do I want to punch every handsome man in his handsome face?
I’m not a huge fan of good-looking people in general, but when a certain kind of handsome man enters the room, I want to throw coffee all over his tailored sweater, and break his perfect nose.  But why?  Do all handsome men look like douche bags by default?  Why do I hate them so fast?  I have a few theories, and they all include broad, sweeping generalities, so be ready to sprinkle asterisks (with “most of the time” attached) all over the following:

1. Good looking people are more likely to be jerks.

christian bale can run his mouth like a pro

Handsome people are treated slightly better during simple interactions with strangers than average-looking or ugly people.  As a result, they become used to this treatment, and come to expect it.  For this reason, their sense of entitlement makes pretty people automatically intolerable (even though they’ve been trained to feel this way by others, and it’s not their fault).  People who expect attention seek it out when they don’t get it.  They’re not content to be wall flowers; they must be heard and watched, and do what they must to achieve the attention they crave.  Their tolerance for not being the center of attention at some point during every interaction is laughably low, and for this, I hate them.

2. Good looking people are better looking than me, and always will be.
I can’t stress enough how annoying it is when I’m feeling unusually pretty, and a beautiful woman walks in and suddenly I feel totally inadequate.  It just sucks out loud.  But what’s even worse than not feeling pretty anymore is that the whole time, I’m fully aware of how dumb it is that I feel this way.  Have I gotten uglier since she came around?  Of course not, but I’m less attractive by comparison, so I might as well have.  It doesn’t make sense, but my brain can’t get around it; this woman’s face has conquered my brain and she doesn’t even know it.  Fuck.  And cosmetic surgery is for morons with issues, so this effect is guaranteed to happen again in the future.  It’s a depressing, shallow thought from which I should be able to logically free myself.  No dice.

3. Good looking people are vapid.

don't encourage her, cow

Clearly this isn’t true for every handsome person on the planet, but I’m making sweeping generalizations, so who cares. Pretty people are like pretty paintings: fun to look at, but lacking in depth and long-term return.  With no need to do anything other than smile and laugh to get a positive reaction, deep interactions are unnecessary for pretty people.  They don’t have to try hard to seem interesting, so they don’t.  Think: If you wanted to have a fascinating conversation with someone, who do you think would be more likely to be able to provide one; a handsome person, or an average-looking person?  Perhaps more importantly: which is less likely to complain about how fat they feel after eating half their meal?

4. Good looking people get credit for being good looking.
This is by far the most ridiculous issue I have with handsome people.  I recognize that no one approaches a pretty face and says, “Wow, you’re so pretty, good job!”  But some small function of my brain recognizes being handsome as a benefit on the same level as other accomplishments (the kind people work at).  So who should get credit for a person’s good looks?  I want to say the parents for passing on their genes, but they’re not responsible for having said genes either.  So we’re left with natural selection, and chance.  The handsome people didn’t have anything to do with it, so when they’re paid to be models or shitty actors, or whatever, it makes me pop my best “are you shitting me?” face.  Stop rewarding people for shit they didn’t do.

So let’s review: Pretty people are jerks, they make me feel like shit, they bore me to tears, and they get rewarded for doing nothing.  This all seems like solid evidence for my previously unnamed, knee-jerk hatred for the handsome.

Now that we’ve established that I’m a shallow person who hates pretty people, I have a confession to make: All my friends are handsome and beautiful.  All of them.  I don’t have a single ugly or average-looking friend.  They’re also intelligent, funny, thoughtful, selfless people who work hard, and are not rewarded for their looks with modeling contracts or acting gigs.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to my friends, and especially Boyfriend, the handsomest guy I know.