I just asked for the letters of recommendation I need to apply to graduate school. They said yes, and the rest of my application is done. It’s happening. I’m applying to grad school. Why didn’t I do this years ago? I really am my own worst enemy. I’m kinda just sitting at my desk, crying quietly, now. I’m so happy I’m finally moving toward a goal that I’ve been avoiding for at least three years. This is what I want: a sense of progress, to study what fascinates me, to do what I love.
I’ve been a little ashamed of myself every day since I realized I should have applied to grad school long ago. Every time I sat down and thought, “Things are pretty great right now,” there was that little voice in the back of my head that added, “…but if only I were in grad school.” Like a mist that has hidden the vivid colors my day-to-day life from view, my happiness has been overshadowed by a sense of shame; I knew I was holding myself back. There was no outside force. Sure, I didn’t have anyone I could ask for a letter of recommendation at the time, but I could have re-forged bonds with professors in the time it has taken me to get my shit together and apply.
And now it’s happening, and I am proud.