goodness, life, school

That nagging feeling

I found this artist, Jenny Holzer, recently.  This plaque of hers really struck me.

I’ve woken up so many times feeling this way, like something’s wrong but I can’t put my finger on it, so I can’t fix it, so I can’t escape it.  This must be the “silent desperation” Thoreau wrote about.  I’ve pinned it on not applying to grad school all this time, so we’ll see if that changes.

Yesterday, I sent in my application to grad school.  I didn’t tell anyone until later that night, when it occurred to me that it was probably worth mentioning to Boyfriend, who was more excited than I was.  It’s strange; I’ve finally applied to grad school, and I feel nothing.  I guess it’s just been a long time coming.  I’ll be (way) more excited if I’m accepted.

goodness, life

It’s happening

cat = me. villain = also me.

I just asked for the letters of recommendation I need to apply to graduate school.  They said yes, and the rest of my application is done.  It’s happening.  I’m applying to grad school.  Why didn’t I do this years ago?  I really am my own worst enemy.  I’m kinda just sitting at my desk, crying quietly, now.  I’m so happy I’m finally moving toward a goal that I’ve been avoiding for at least three years.  This is what I want: a sense of progress, to study what fascinates me, to do what I love.

I’ve been a little ashamed of myself every day since I realized I should have applied to grad school long ago.  Every time I sat down and thought, “Things are pretty great right now,” there was that little voice in the back of my head that added, “…but if only I were in grad school.”  Like a mist that has hidden the vivid colors my day-to-day life from view, my happiness has been overshadowed by a sense of shame; I knew I was holding myself back.  There was no outside force.  Sure, I didn’t have anyone I could ask for a letter of recommendation at the time, but I could have re-forged bonds with professors in the time it has taken me to get my shit together and apply.

And now it’s happening, and I am proud.