goodness, humor

History, today

"Mmm, yes, quite."

Check out this lady (Queen Beatrix of Netherlands) in her amazing carriage.  That’s right, it’s a fucking carriage, complete with horses and all.  Yes, that’s real gold covering the coach, and I’d bet my bonnet that whole rig was carved by hand over a hundred years ago.  Let’s do some research…

RESEARCH COMPLETE!
The carriage is 112 years old!  Apparently this coach has been involved in all kinds of royal shit.  When the Crown Princess Beatrix married the German Claus van Amsberg during World War II, there was significant disapproval from the masses: “As the royal pair rode through the streets of Amsterdam in the carriage, smoke bombs exploded. Many photos show the golden coach, bearing the happy couple, emerging from clouds of smoke.”  History, you are awesome.  Apparently the coach was also involved in “…sexual escapades by members of the Royal Constabulary.”  I might have to buy this book to find out in what kind of scandal that carriage assisted (if it ever gets translated into English).

it's the cinderella carriage!

My favorite part: “… the roof had to be raised in order to accommodate voluminous royal hairstyles and hats.” HA!  Royalty.

UPDATE: 2:48pm
OMFG it’s her, lol!  You can find the original (I’m going to call it a portrait) here, at one of my favorite online comics, Hark a Vagrant.

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goodness, humor

God help me, I know this man

He was my neighbor for a few years in high school.  A nice enough guy, he can do some gymnastics, and was an actor when he lived next-door with another nice, male, actor roommate.  And now he is this (whatever that is):

wtf happened

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family, life

What’s the emoticon for ‘I just realized I became my mother’?

My mom is easily the most emotional person in our family.  When I was a kid, she cried at the end of The Mighty Ducks because, “The family got back together, it’s so nice! *sniffle*”  I used to be able to read an article about an abandoned seal cub without getting all fucking misty-eyed, but no longer (apparently, sheesh).  Just thinking about something remotely patriotic or generous gets me a little choked up.  WTF IS HAPPENING TO ME?!

HE'S NOT GETTING UP, SIMBA 😦

This isn’t just a matter of “I don’t want to cry all the damn time,” it’s an identity crisis for me.  I’m a tough teacher with a harsh opinion of people who don’t follow the rules inside and out of the classroom (I got out of two different cars and corrected two different people who littered on two separate occasions this week).  I’m durable and strong when life gets hard.  But ask me to describe the scene where Mufasa gets trampled by wildebeests, and Simba says, “Get up, dad…” and omg it’s puddletown on my desk.

I like to think of myself as an avocado; a bit of a rough exterior, followed by a whole lot of mush surrounding a hard core with the potential for growth.  How did I forget about that mushy part?  There’s so much of it.  I don’t just have a sensitive side; I’m oatmeal disguised as gravel.  Which sounds awful now that I’ve typed it (bleh gross).

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goodness, humor

Sign of the times

baman... bamanbamanbaman

As I’ve said before, harmless pranks are the best, especially anonymous public ones.  If you do nothing else today, enjoy the spontaneous fun people have with signs in public places recorded here on Happy Place.

I need to keep a sharpie handy for just such occasions.

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goodness, humor, life

Color me defined

It’s a harsh truth that, as complex as people are, just one or two pertinent questions usually tells us all we care to know about a person.  This is true at any age, though the questions change from elementary school to our mid-20s in the following pattern: visual aesthetic, intelligence, personality type, and personal ambition and economic status.

Mid-20s: What are you up to?
Also known as, “Are you currently employed?” this question determines if you’re a self-motivated go-getter and are therefore worth continuing to talk to, or if you’re just some jerk who bounces from job to job, complaining until you inevitably quit.

we're unique because we dress the same!

Where are you living?
In LA, there are only so many places we 20-somethings can afford to live:
Hollywood: I’m fucking poor, but I love the night life (but if you know of something opening up on the Westside, please let me know).
Silverlake: I ride my one-speed to art shows whenever my tight pants permit.  I eat pho and anything soy based; if it’s not organic, it’s murder.
Westside: I’d rather pay more rent and have gorgeous weather than save $150/mo to get mugged on my five-block walk from my car to my tiny apartment in K-town.
Culver City: I found that one affordable apartment near downtown Culver.  My friends are jealous.

College: What’s your major?
If your answer is Business or Communications, it’s like saying “I don’t know what interests me because I’m too lazy or too thick to be self-reflective,” or “My parents still control my life.”  Every other major is awesome in comparison to these conversation killers.

Are you rushing?
This is a question for freshmen, and a contentious one for some.  From my perspective:
Yes– You’re as lost as I am, but not confident enough to try this “college” thing out before attaching yourself to a group of people who look just like you.
Nah– I approve.
No way– What are you doing for lunch?  Let’s be friends.

High school:
Are you taking any APs this year?
If you weren’t in at least one AP class, you were one of those kids.  My friends were smart, and we had egos to match.  I’m not proud of it, but intellectual prowess was (and still kinda is) like a currency to buy the approval of our peers.

this is the face of judgement

Elementary school: What’s your favorite color?
I wish we could still ask people this.  It would be so telling.
Blue– not creative enough to think of another color
Green– one step up from blue, you decided you like plants (hippy)
Yellow– I can bully you later
Purple– you like dumb stuff like unicorns, and you’re nice to everyone
Black– the coolest person you know is your older (teenage) sibling
Brown– liar, no one likes brown more than blue
Orange– we should be friends
Red– you’re going to disrupt class later (it’s gonna be awesome)

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goodness, nerd

Sarah Michelle Gellar is secretly ancient Maya royalty

I took an Art History class on the ancient Maya in college, and fell in love.  What an amazing culture.  They built pyramid temples so steep that tourists have been known to die from the fall… recently.  Their writing style is so creative and artistic that the word for “art” and “script” are the same.  One glyph features a face with blood flowing in the place of a missing jaw (yikes!).  Their calendar is just like ours, only better because it has four days of rest at the end of every year.  They were a complex and highly civilized people who loved wearing heavy stone (jade) jewelry and flattening their foreheads just like the rest of us.  There are even small pockets of their descendants living in Mexico today.  Living relics!

So.  Imagine my surprise when I discovered Sarah Michelle Gellar to be a member of their dwindling population.

above: indisputable proof

WTF, Buffy?!  Can’t trust your fans with your AMAZINGLY BRUTAL HERITAGE?  Where is the trust?  *sigh*

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goodness, life

Everyone loves dinosaurs

he wants to know where you got your loafers

The move is almost done!  We’ve unpacked just about everything, moved in the fridge from my folks’ garage, and have entered the Where should we put the furniture portion of this marathon.  Gotta get rid of all the cardboard boxes in the meantime but we’re so close!  There’s a list of issues with the apartment that’s grown to roughly the length of my leg.  I’m putting in a work order today.

But enough about the fucking move!  It’s all I think about, and I’m exhausted by it.  Let’s have some fun.

I found this small collection of hipster dinosaurs a while back, and just rediscovered it.  Too funny 🙂

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family, goodness, life, manfolk

Upgrade complete

Yesterday was moving day from the apartment where Diminutive Roommate and I have been living for three years to a new place with a new third roommate just a mile to the east.

With a big event like a move, something’s gonna go wrong.  This move demonstrated Murphy’s Law too well at times.

Wednesday, August 31st: The day before the move
I got an IM from Diminutive Roommate saying that everyone except me had failed to sign one random page of the lease, and that we couldn’t get the keys for the new place without it.  Bear in mind that this is the same management who failed to check that we had signed each page when I delivered the lease (although, to be fair, we didn’t check either), and who refused to give us the keys the night before because our lease didn’t start until the 1st.  Of course, their office didn’t open until 9am, so even though we were officially on the lease, we would have to wait for their office to open to get the keys.  So instead of “wrongly” having the keys from 6pm (when their office closed) to midnight, they would withhold them from us from midnight to 9am on the 1st.  Or we could pay $85 for one day of pro-rated rent.  I smell bullshit.  We planned to pick up the keys first thing in the morning and hope for the best.

I got home on the 31st, said hi to Calico, wandered down the hall to my room, flicked on the light, and… wait, why isn’t the light coming on?  *click, click, click, click* No light.  I went back to the front door to see if the building’s lights were on in the hall (yes).  I flicked the light switch in the kitchen to see if the problem was localized to my room (nope).  I sighed, and chuckled, and called Diminutive Roommate:
“Hey there, just calling to see how you’re doing, and make sure that page got signed by everyone, and we’re good to go for tomorrow, although if you needed help with it I guess you would have called me.  Uh… oh, by the way (haha!), when did you arrange for the power to be turned off here?  Cus there’s a little surprise for you when you get home!  Call me!”

"are you shitting me?"

I ate some melty ice cream, and frowned at the two wedges of brie that had been sitting in a dark, un-powered refrigerator all day.  As prepared as we were, there was still work to do.  I did that eyelid-fluttering mind-search that helps me remember things, and went straight to the box where I had packed the candles (win!).  I packed the last of my junk amid some flickering, romantic lighting, did some packing in the kitchen, and realized at 830pm that I hadn’t had dinner.  I drove around looking for a post office drop box to leave our cable box in, then arrived at Fancy-pants Farms to get a sammich only to discover them 10 minutes past closing.  I crash-landed in a CPK booth instead, and had a nice chat with the waiter who enjoyed The Hobbit more than the following Lord of the Rings trilogy (disagree).  Diminutive Roommate finally got back to me after two and a half hours of calling and texting.  Drove home to find her mulling around in the dark.  We agreed we had done all we could, and hit the sack.

Thursday, September 1st: The day of the move
I wake up around 7 before the alarm and can’t get back to sleep (too excited/ready for it to start the move so it can be over).  Melissa leaves around 815am to get keys and garage clickers from management.  I finish packing up, and pace around while the movers arrive a half-hour late, and seem to move in slow motion once they arrive.  At one point, time seemed to flash to a halt and balance on fine point in the exact spot where I sat.  I could feel each second pass like dripping water, and the expanse of the hours before the move would be done stretched out before me as a vast ocean of carboard boxes and the smell of moving blankets.  It was a low point in my day.

"JUST LEAVE YOUR KEYS ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER."

Diminutive Roommate takes her garage clicker to the new place to test it.  The owners of our old apartment building, an older couple, come by with the manager (let’s call him Melty-face) to check out the apartment.  They seem nice enough.  I tell them about how my dehumidifier pulled one cup of water out of the air per hour in my room alone.  The lady looks shocked, and asks if I left the window open during the rain.  I said no, and that the moisture might be in the walls, because we didn’t know where it was coming from.  She didn’t like the sound of that.  Not.  One.  Bit.

Meanwhile I had missed a text from Diminutive Roommate regarding her garage clicker: it won’t work.  She slouches into the kitchen minutes later, and I decide what I need to get back into the game is a quick verbal sparring match with our new management (who couldn’t give us the keys six hours early, but was kind enough to screw up our garage clickers).  I bid a final farewell to our old apartment, and drive a mile east with all our artwork wrapped in brown paper in the back of my little Fiat.  Boyfriend and I try both clickers in every combination possible to no avail.  I call management (let’s call them Overworked Equities).
lady: Overworked Equities.
me: Hi, I’m moving into [address redacted] today, and the garage clickers we picked up this morning aren’t working.
lady: Ok, you’ll have to come in and pick up two new ones.
me: …Absolutely not.  Our movers will be here in 20 minutes.  You need to find another solution.  I’m not driving all the way to your office.
lady: *sigh* Ok, well, uh… ok hold on.
After being bounced around I finally get hold of a guy who speed-talks me through the problem, and says someone will be by in 20 minutes to fix it.

Ten minutes after our movers arrive, a guy comes and opens the gate after fiddling with it and referring to several pages of numbers (“This code isn’t working.  They must have changed it without telling me.”).  The movers make extensive use of the freight elevator, which one coupled set of tattooed Hispanic residents did not like.  The lady asked me if the movers were emptying the elevator and staging everything in the hall first, or moving things one by one, “because that’s slow, and I gotta move my stuff from storage 3 to storage 1.”  Thanks for the warm welcome!

Over the course of the move, even when we ran into problems, I kept a pretty up-beat attitude.  It wasn’t hard; we were so close to finally getting into our new place.  I got short with Boyfriend once (he was being contrarian), but otherwise had maintained a good, positive drive.  But it was not to last.

My father is sort of a Renaissance man.  He’s a lawyer who grew up on sailing and canoeing teams in Hawai’i, loves to hike and navigate the wild, has quite a green thumb, and is currently rebuilding some derelict stairs on the hill behind his house (like a pro).  At our house growing up, he had a garage which he converted to a workshop where he could typically be found late at night working on something or another.  I have fond and powerful memories of spending time there in the summer.  The concrete was always cool on my feet.  He built a bench for Sister and I to stand on so we could “help” him on projects.  The smell of sawdust, the sound of a table saw, the sound of a plane on wood were all visceral experiences for me, and I smile even now thinking about it.

Dad built a hutch out of ash in that workshop while I was a kid.  Dad always said, “Ash is known as the poor man’s oak,” meaning it was cheaper than oak, but just as sturdy.  He did all the dovetail joints himself with a chisel.  The handles on the doors and drawers are solid brass, shiny and smooth.  It’s the closest thing we have to a family heirloom, and it weighs roughly a ton.  It’s never been an easy piece of furniture to move, and this time was no different.

inconsolable

There’s a sharp turn from one hallway to another into my room in the new apartment.  The movers took one look at it and said, “It’s not gonna fit.”  My heart sank.  Then they tried, and it didn’t fit.  We stood in the living room discussing where to put it.  “You want it there?  That’s a good spot,” one of them offered.  I held up a finger to ask them to wait, walked down the hall into my room, and burst into tears.  Boyfriend came in to tell me something, and instead asked me what was wrong.  “If the hutch can’t fit into my room, I don’t know what I’m going to do.”  I had reached the end of my rope.  This problem was just too much for me to handle.  Where would I put my clothes?  This beautiful chest my father made for Sister and me as kids would sit in the living room like a common piece of furniture instead of being safely stationed in my bedroom where I could look at it everyday and feel love for it (and from it).  My chest hurt.  I sat on the floor and cried like a child.

Boyfriend went into problem-solving work mode, and began inspecting the window.  “I can pop this screen right off.  I’m gonna measure it.  I think it could fit.  Do you want to ask the movers to try that?”  Neither of us thought they’d be game to try putting a giant, heavy piece of furniture through a window.  I looked up from my spot on the floor and shook my head, “Will you ask them?”  Boyfriend did, and they tried it, and it worked.  The hutch stands in my room now, facing the bed, holding my books and clothes just like it should.  Heart mended, I got back to work.

After some more sweating and shuffling around the mess we’d made in the living room, I asked Boyfriend to go grab some In-n-Out for us and the movers so I could stay and coordinate.  We moved some boxes out of the way and made room at the kitchen table for a meal.  Boyfriend arrived with the food just as they brought in the plaid couch.  We didn’t realize how hungry we were until we started eating.  The van was empty, we were all full of food, and the mover said he would like cash (even though their website said they took credit card).  I drove to an ATM, counted out the cash, signed his papers, went upstairs, and unpacked my room for the next six hours until all that was left was the computer.  It was finally time to sleep.

My current room is about a third smaller than my last, which I’m surprisingly happy about.  I thought I would feel cramped, but looking back, my room always felt a little hollow.  I have less furniture in my current room, but it feels roomier somehow.  There’s a nice central open area in the middle, the closet isn’t packed to the gills, my bookshelf is organized, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let it start getting all cluttered.  And I’m changing out the damn vertical blinds for something that blacks out that damn exterior hall light.

In other news my roommates are awesome.  We shared a beer and some Indian food from Samosa House (best vegetarian food ever).  I’m feeling good about this whole setup.

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goodness, life

Dreamtime

I meant to come home and pack and paint, but I’ve been so exhausted I thought I’d venture a nap.  I suck at napping.  I can’t stop thinking and getting distracted by little noises.  The longer it takes me to fall asleep, the more annoyed I get that I haven’t, until I’m so frustrated that I have to get up.

As silly as this sounds, I need Boyfriend there to fall asleep.  He’s like Ambien, and without him, I’m sunk.  But today, for the first time in a long time, I fell asleep (after a while).  And then I had awesome, bizarre dreams.  I woke up a half hour ago, and had to write them down.  I love being a vivid dreamer.  Except during nightmaretime.  Nightmaretime is the worst time.

I’m supposed to be at a birthday party for Curly Asian Friend, but I was exhausted after work, so I took a nap and fell asleep at Karate Job.  When I wake up, I rush over to a restaurant to find my friends waiting for a table in a lobby.  Curly Asian Friend is wearing the most tattered, semi-transparent boxers I’ve ever seen, and when he bends over to more closely inspect something on the wall, it’s like he’s mooning us.  I giggle, and when he leaves to go to the bathroom, I point it out to my other friends, who howl with laughter.  Then everything resets and I’m waking up at Karate Job again.  My boss is there with four or five toddlers and their moms, singing some horrible, off-key song about birthdays or something.  I hate it.  I ask my boss which CPK I should go to to meet my friends, and she tells me.  I rush to meet them for dinner.  As I sit at the table, the owners of the restaurant release two female lions for a more exotic feel.  The lions walk side by side, rubbing faces, heading for our table.  One of them slams its paw on the table close to me twice, as if hunting for a bug before they are taken away.  There are three frightened Siamese kittens in the bathroom who run and huddle when I try to pet them.

SHIFT

I’m supposed to be collecting intelligence for a group.  I use my fans to fly across a seaside town to a school (college?).  I find my car, cruise angrily for parking, and when I open my passenger door for some reason, it hits a guy in the face as he’s getting into his own black SUV.  I freeze, then rush over to apologize.  His contact lens has been pushed to the wrong part of his eye, it’s not a big deal, he fixes it.  When he looks up, and I can see that he’s beautiful;  hazel eyes, tan skin, longish hair, a kind smile.  I know him somehow.  I get close to inspect the scratch over his eye, he pokes fun at me for being nosy.  I smile and agree, and back off.  I ask for his name: Meredith.  I say, Meredith, to help me remember.  Later, his sister calls him Marciano.  I meet her and their father at a mansion, we go out on the veranda.  I take four fans (two white, two black) just in case I run into trouble.  Turns out they are enemies, and calmly take two of my fans from a table where I placed them, thinking them weapons.  I grab the other two, and as the sister is lying down to sunbathe with a white fan under her head, I knock her unconscious with one of them, saying “Esto es el mio.”  When I reach for the fan, it has turned into a white bottle of wine.  A bodyguard suddenly takes notice, and raises his gun.  I throw the wine bottle at him before I make a dash for the edge of the balcony and leap with fans out.  I can only glide because I’m so panicked.  I hit the ground running, and don’t look back.  I need to find a high place to take off from so I can flee.

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goodness, life

That fresh feeling

I am occasionally overwhelmed with a sense of love for my friends.  Love, like fear, is difficult to describe.  I have to rely on our shared experience as humans to convey the depth of my loyalty and affection for them.  I would describe the sensation like this: I’m on a boat on the ocean.  I jump overboard and squeeze my eyes shut as I plunge into the water; that flash of adventurous anticipation that forces my eyes open before I stop sinking and start to float: that’s what love feels like: an adventure.  Then it wells up inside me, a bubbling, laughing fountain, overflowing at my temples, coating me with a bright, oily shine.

I think I will never get to know my friends as well as I would like.  Like a second family, my goal is to make them feel loved, and sometimes I fail.  I want to make their lives easier, to protect them from hardship, and feed them delicious meals.  I want to provide for them and fight for them.  I want them to sleep soundly at night.  I want them to believe their hard work will pay off.  I want to give each of them the chance to succeed in their own way.  I want them to never feel alone.

As I read what I’ve written I realize this is how a parent feels for her child, and I begin to understand that all love probably shares common roots: protection, encouragement, joy, success.

I feel like I could power a tiny mouse-town with this feeling.  It spins like a top behind my eyes, and hums contentedly in my chest.  I smile quietly in the dark as I wait for sleep, in the car as I glance in the rear-view mirror, on the couch watching TV with Boyfriend, knowing I will see my friends soon.

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