goodness, life, nerd

Dracula, my love

The original Dracula is my favorite ghost story.  It’s easy to see that it’s not the ultimate literary novel of its time, but it’s a fun read and a creepy story set in a time where if you were stranded somewhere, you were totally fucked.  If you get sick in a foreign country, you’re screwed.  If you don’t know how to kill the thing that’s coming after you and your loved ones, get your affairs in order, because it might be time to die.

nice job, google

nice job, google

Obviously I’m not a fan of how prominently Christianity comes swooping in to save the day (of course the Count can’t enter a tomb that’s been sealed off using putty mixed with the holy sacrament, DUH), but that’s sorta part of the charm of this story; it’s full of silly superstition and stolid, antiquated reliance on the impregnable defense afforded to the faithful.  It’s pretty cute.

And the action!  Fight scenes!  Storms!  Abandoned vessels washing up on shore!  Giant wolves!  Hypnosis!  Seduction!  Hidden treasure!  All this and more!  Written in the style of the turn of the century, who wouldn’t want to read it?

SPOILER:
The part on the ship is what makes this a truly horrifying story.  It’s the strongest part of the story in my opinion.  If that part doesn’t hook you, you have my permission to stop reading, and continue your inevitable march toward the end of an unfortunate, unremarkable life.  You schmuck.

READ ME, PUNY MORTAL

READ ME, PUNY MORTAL

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badness, humor

Twitards with a license

I saw this in Echo Park a couple months ago.  Needless to say, I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

what a waste of gas

what a waste of gas

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badness

Beautiful Creatures is a terrible, terrible book

I noticed a movie about magic people called Beautiful Creatures is coming out, and I figured Ballerina Friend would like to go see it, and may have already read the book.  I thought it would be fun to read it and chat about it with her later, a sort of impromptu book club for two.  Unfortunately, Beautiful Creatures is a terrible, terrible book.

I wrote a review on amazon.com (see below).  I hated this book, but the part of me that hates things is smushed up against my sense of humor, so my vitriolic review had to be peppered with some comedy:

Beautiful Creatures makes Twilight look like Gone with the Wind.  It’s hundreds of pages worth of unfounded teen angst.  If I hadn’t read it on my Kindle, I would use it for toilet paper.

 

god it must be hard being the 'beautiful loner'

god it must be hard being the ‘beautiful loner’

The author attempts to end every chapter with a cliffhanger, and ends up using a small variety of the same one every time: “We were running out of time.”  The teenage boy who narrates the story is apparently so unfamiliar with (and horrified by) the linear progression of time, than he cannot BELIEVE that time marches forward no matter how badly he apparently wants to… I dunno, kiss (?) this girl.

Every character has exactly one dimension:
-Southerners are nasty, old fashioned, racist, stupid and shallow.
-Kids in bands are grungy, semi-friendly, and give their cars edgy names like “The Beater,” which is a huge opportunity for a penis joke, which the author misses completely.
-The only educated people in town are from elsewhere.
-No one ever leaves the town.  EVER.  The author feels the need to point this out a couple dozen times throughout the book just so you can remember how hard it is to be a teenager trapped in a beautiful house with a private cook and a free education.  Must be rough.
-The old ladies are all genuinely crazy.  It’s not cute.  They need medical attention.
-The one non-white character is an African American woman who works as a cook, practices voodoo, and sounds like a racist black face character.
-Magical-type people (“casters,” not witches, because that would be just one too many clichés, apparently) all fall within one category only: old-fashioned, slutty as hell, mentally challenged, or goth.  Pick one, then add ‘incompetent’ because in a book about “casters,” you’d think some “casting” would occur, but you’d be wrong.  When a few spells finally do get cast, all they end up doing is lighting fires and glaring at each other.  The tension is non-existent.

Here are a few things that DO happen, inexplicably:
-The main character proves to be psychic.  It’s not a big deal for some reason.
-A magic house changes its interior structure occasionally, but this serves no real purpose.
-The narrator is said to have some kind of power, but it’s never explained.
-Various “casters” are said to be types, like “natural” or “catalyst,” but these terms are never explained.
-The evil (and therefore slutty, of course) “caster” is capable of making people do anything she wants, and she chooses to use this power to mess up a prom.
-One of the “casters” drives a hearse for no reason.
-The whole book leads up to a night on which something bad is supposed to happen to this “caster” girl.  Her guardian (who has spent the whole book up to this point freaking out and protecting her from death) lets her attend what is essentially a rave that very night, which is obviously a terrible idea, but in the end, doesn’t matter much either.

The inconsistencies in this book were exhausting.  Still, I like magic stories so I kept reading thinking, “Surely, SURELY this will culminate in some kind of climax that will ultimately explain what a ‘natural’ or a ‘catalyst’ is.  SURELY all those other characters I’ve spent so much time reading about will prove to be more than just talking scenery.  Surely I haven’t just wasted $9 and a few days of my life reading this terrible, terrible book.”

Guess what: No.  Just no.

Do not buy this book.  Do not see the movie.  Save your money for food, shelter, or ice skating.  Ice skating is a better experience than this book, even if you hate ice skating.

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badness, humor

Twitards not welcome

Twilight is just hilarious.  It’s a teenage romance novel, and I’m pretty sure everyone knows it, even the fans.  Regardless, even people like me can enjoy it for its absurdity.

I’ve hosted a screening for the first Twilight movie, and the fourth one is already out in theaters (I think).  It’s past time to host a screening for the second one, so that’s what we’re doing this Saturday (tomorrow) night.  Board games at 6, ramen or Fancypants Farms for dinner, then movie around 8.  Then probably more board games.  This is how I live my life.  If only I could make posters.

UPDATE: January 10, 9:31am
This movie viewing was epic.  I made ramen for everyone, we played a round of Betrayal, then it was movie time.  We thought about making it into a drinking game where we would drink whenever the main characters whined, but it quickly became apparent that we would run out of people to drive us to the hospital with alcohol poisoning at that rate, so I kept track of the following:

The number of times…
Bella whines- 25
Edward whines- 10
Edward/Jacob/any man gets bossy with Bella- 23
Vampires/werewolves glare at each other- 16

What a bunch of emo cry-babies.  I look at that list and see an evening well spent.

Aw shit, should have kept track of how many times Jacob takes off his shirt (delicious).

check please

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