Category Archives: humor

humor

Digital Ouroboros

This showed up on my Facebook page today:

wtf so meta

Isn’t this like the pope blessing himself?  Like Steve Jobs giving himself an iPod?  Like a snake eating its own tail?

It’s so unnecessary!  If you’re on Facebook, you don’t need to “like” it, too.  We know you like it because you’re using it!  *sigh*  It strikes me as masturbatory.  How much of an ego stroking does a company worth over a billion dollars really need?  My participation isn’t enough, now you need me to explicitly say that I like you?  Relax, Facebook.  You’re sounding more and more like a needy boyfriend, and it’s really unattractive.

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humor, martial arts, work

These are our future leaders

pictured: a futile effort

Some kid openly farted in class last week.  We were just settling down in our quiet meditation circle when PPPHHHHHRHRRTT.  He sat on the floor, then leaned over and let it rip.

The girl next to him didn’t even react.  Literally, zero reaction.  I stared at him for a second and said, “Hey, that’s gross!  Don’t fart in here!”  He smiled, and as far as he was concerned, the conversation was over.  I had to force my disgusted adult brain to move on.  I realized I was the outsider, the only person bothered by what had just happened.

And that’s all I remember about that day.

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humor, nerd

The real winner: Mavis Beacon

There’s nothing like a professional typing contest to make me feel simultaneously physically superior and intellectually inferior.  I’d rather maintain my currently level of mate-ability at 77wpm than achieve a whopping 163wpm at the cost of looking like this guy:

note the hunchback and complete lack of reaction to the supportive crowd

But hey, at least he’s modest in the post-event interview, during which he keeps his eyes locked on the ground in typical anti-social nerd fashion: “Yeah, there are only uh… a few other people in the United States I’ve seen at any of these typing tests who I think are as fast as me.”

The typing test you take online is typically a paragraph about badgers or planets, but the test these guys take has crap like this thrown in occasionally: “/a/&B#R{+1}>>[Bb] = X0 – 3 + @a rooftop * 32”

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anime, goodness, humor

Anime Mascot #1: Giant sword dude

Apparently people are finding my blog by searching for stuff like “giant sword” and “tentacle hentai.”  While there will be no phallic tentacles on this site, I like to give the people what they want, and parodying anime is just too easy.

May I introduce Anime Mascot #1: Giant Sword Dude
His bad attitude and drive to complete his unexplained quest is dwarfed only by his ridiculously huge sword.  It’s just way too big.  Naturally, he’s standing in a pool of blood, and scowling with his weird-colored eyes at the shiny energy/fire he can create when he gets super pissed during drawn-out fights with his arch enemy.  His hair is blue so you can tell him apart from his twin brother who we meet in season three.  His loincloth is always perfectly placed (no up-the-skirt shots for men), and the giant scar across his chest just shouts, “Don’t you dare fuck with me.  My hair is blue, and my hands shit fire.”

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goodness, humor

Willing suspension of disbelie-OMG SO CUTE

How is anyone without my fucking powerhouse of an imagination supposed to picture this cat playing a harp without a prop?  It just goes to show that when the world gives you a kitten playing an invisible harp, you draw one in Paint.

musical genius

*click the photo to watch the hideously adorable video*

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family, goodness, humor

Pigs are more equal

When I was a kid, my folks went to a white elephant party where everyone brought a horrible gift as a joke.  I went to one of these for xmas a few years back, and it has my full approval.  So silly.

I don’t know what my folks took to the party, but when they came back they had something that resembled this pig chef (but ours held something like a business card holder).  This thing sat on a bookshelf in the “computer room” just outside my parents’ bathroom for… I’m gonna say at least a decade.  They never figured out a way to get rid of it, and apparently couldn’t bear to throw it out.  It just looked so pleased with itself.  And hey look!  Now you can have your very own!

bizarre

ridiculous

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badness, humor, life

Incoming: STREET JUSTICE

One of the great things about living with Diminutive Roommate is that when I need to exact some kind of revenge on someone, she can think of half a dozen ways to do so within the law.  She and I are just great ranting buddies.  We love and encourage each other this way instead of hugging and sharing meaningful experiences.  If one of us is annoyed about something, the other is immediately pissed.  If one of us is sad about something, the other is inconsolable.  If one of us has a problem, a solution must and will be reached now, and we will reach it together.  And when one of us is wronged, we become one unit moving toward justice.

Today marks the third time I’ve had a package stolen off my doorstep.  It’s infuriating, not because I just spent $30 on something I may never be refunded for, but because of what having something that’s obviously mine stolen from inside my building implies: I’m living among thieves.  Filthy fucking thieves.  I don’t feel safe with my neighbors (which, given what I’ve written about them before, actually makes perfect sense).  Maybe I should know better by now.  I guess I just keep expecting the people I live next to to STOP STEALING MY SHIT.

maybe if i told them i was a ninja, they'd leave my amazon.com packages alone

I told Diminutive Roommate about this, and she immediately got all fired up.  And thank god.  My first reaction is to be angry, then hurt that anyone (let alone my own [albeit horrible] neighbors) would do this to me.  Action was needed, and while I was wallowing in self-pity, Diminutive Roommate was already working on a plan.  Together we came up with a cheap, doable sting operation.

We’ll put a package on the doorstep/mailbox clearly addressed to me.  Inside, we’ll put a really loud remote-controlled alarm.  When the package gets nabbed, we’ll go outside and set off the alarm, following the hideously loud ruckus to the guilty party, camera rolling, and demand our horribly ear-piercing property back.  The trick will be knowing when the package gets grabbed.  Maybe we can put a pressure sensor under the package that goes off when it gets picked up…  Either way, I’ll be delighted just knowing that we startled the culprit into peeing himself a little (if there is a god).

Batman Begins was on tonight, and I caught the first third or so where Bruce fails to kill his parents’ murderer, then gets all embroiled in the underbelly of the criminal world abroad, then trains with the Shadow Society, then returns to Gotham to become the embodiment of fear that allows him to control his own.  My situation is exactly like that; I’m taking a situation that pisses me the fuck off and makes me feel like a victim, and using it to strike fear into the heart of whatever fucktard has been stupid enough to steal my hard-earned crap.  I am so full of vengeance.  It’s on.

SIDE NOTE:
I’m feeling really, really good about other stuff.  Yeah, I’ve lost some hours at the dojo.  Yeah, my crap keeps getting lifted from my “secure building.”  But I have a new car on the way that I’m starting to get really fucking excited about.  I’m totally batshit crazy about Boyfriend and he seems to feel the same way.  I’m probably not going to have to move to another apartment, which will save me the hassle of… moving, which is a pain in the ass.  So things are looking up overall.

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humor, life, work

Cats do what muppets can’t

I just found out that my hours are being cut at the dojo without gaining any days off.  How the hell does that happen?  I’m only teaching two classes on Mondays now.  Pointless.  And depressing, considering I have a new car coming, and my other job can’t afford to give me more hours.  I’m not feeling too hot about it.  They cut hours whenever we lose students, which sucks for the students that remain because they get fewer options for classes at the same price they were paying before!  It’s a fucked up system.

So naturally I looked up that skit that the muppets did on Sesame Street singing along with “Don’t Worry Be Happy,” only to find that YOUTUBE AND I ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS.  I can’t believe it’s not on there.  And since the natural progression from muppets is cats, I watched this video instead.

I know how you feel, man

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humor, life, martial arts, work

Let me introduce Teen, Enthusiast, and Mouth

Three sisters came to try out classes at the dojo yesterday, all different age groups.  Each had their own very distinct personality, and each made the day very interesting, and at times very challenging.

The eldest sister (Teen) was relaxed and happy before class, but didn’t seem to realize she was going to have to sweat and run and generally get a workout, so I had to keep an eye on her to make sure she wasn’t walking instead of running during warm-ups.  After that though, she seemed to have a good time.  She seems smart and coordinated, so I’m excited to see her progress (and it always puts a smile on my face to see a teenage girl do some martial arts).

The middle child (Enthusiast) seems happy, energetic and ready to have fun.  She’s a listener and a doer.  She’s going to have a blast.  Can’t wait.

bipolar

she had two states: placated, and "mouth"

The youngest (Mouth) is very overweight, has trouble taking direction (I chatted with her mom about this; it’s because she speaks only Spanish at home, which isn’t uncommon with our Hispanic contingency, but kids learn fast so I think that will be a short-term issue), and is what’s generally known as a brat.  She screams “no” repeatedly every chance she gets, no matter what’s happening, accompanied by copious amounts of crocodile tears (see picture).  She cries and loses her mind at the drop of a hat (I saw her throw three separate tantrums).  But she got all the way through the class without a single outburst, mostly because her family did a great job of watching the class without interacting with her, just like I asked, and I didn’t give her any positive attention when she misbehaved, or comfort when she fell (which happened a lot, and she said “ouch!” every time, lol).  She’s adorable, overweight, and totally spoiled, but she didn’t have an outburst during class because I didn’t let her speak without raising her hand (which she refused to do), and demanded a level of independence from her that she enjoyed but is clearly not used to (her eldest sister, mother, and aunt seem to do everything for her).  My goal for her is to teach her respect for her classmates (I lost track of the number of times she said, “My turn now!” and cut in line), respect for her mother (who she defied at every turn, seemingly without consequence), and to instill a sense of healthy independence that doesn’t involve mouthing off, but rather enables her to do things like put her own shoes on, etc.  I think she could have a huge social growth spurt at the school.  I’m really looking forward to working as a team with the family to invoke a positive change in her approach to others and herself.  She is exactly the kind of child who should be in our program.  I’m glad she’s there, even if it makes my job harder.

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