Category Archives: life

goodness, life

Flexing my friendship muscle

With Boyfriend in Europe, I’ve had the chance to spend more time with friends, mostly High School Roommate, and Little Iron Friend from the Kung Fu studio (watching Serenity, making ramen at her place, going to bars).  I forget how important friendships are when Boyfriend is so available most of the time.  I should really make time for them more often.  I’ve been foregoing sleep to hang out, but it’s been easy to deal with since I’m not waking up every four hours because of Boyfriend.  I have more energy then even a week ago, and it feels great.  I’m having a really nice time.

Side note: My arms are getting cut.  A few people at work, friends, and some family members have all commented that my arms are hulking out.  I’m pretty psyched.  I think a powerful body and a friendly smile are super sexy on a woman.  I’m diggin’ it.  Tummy’s getting flat and toned again, too.  Naturally, I’m also covered in bruises most of the time, but if that’s the price to be paid for a slammin’ body, sign me up to start turning colors.

I went to Princeton, bitch.

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goodness, life, martial arts

A truth about being a martial artist

Being a martial artist is great for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that it makes me feel like a total badass.  Being athletic for so long means I’m pretty coordinated, I move gracefully, I don’t trip and fall and injure myself… ever.  Plus, being a female martial artist automatically puts me in a special category, and everyone loves being special.

And all that sounds great, but if I’d be lying if I said that any of those topped my list of why being a true martial artist is worth all the training, sweating and pain. Having been punched and kicked until I bled may sound brutal; having sharp eyes and fast feet that can flash above my own head may sound pretty sweet; but it’s the sum of these skills and experiences that produces the best part of being a good fighter: the quiet.  I’m confident that my training has prepared me to survive (and win) most fights, and I find that to be incredibly soothing.

yes, there is a little solar eclipse in my tummy

I rediscovered this sensation while interviewing someone at Office Job.  I’ve only been there less than a year, so I still feel like the new kid.  However, during the interview, I realized that I would be looked to for counsel on how to handle this situation or deal with that person, and that I could give sound advice.  I’m getting good at my job, and that’s really quite… relaxing.  It’s the same feeling I had when I got my black belts: a sense of pride and confidence.  Of course, when I got my black belts, my body felt like it was pulsating with potential, that the ability to fight (and fight well) practically coursed through me.  It was all I could do to contain it.  It was exhilarating.  My whole body was buzzing with power and fluid motion, and amidst all that there was a still, quiet core to keep me from flying in all directions.

That buzzing feeling has faded to a hum, but its silent anchor remains.  The best part of being a true martial artist is the silence.

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life, manfolk

Ok, Boyfriend, time to come home now

How many ‘I miss you’s can I bleed?
My face is pale,
my hands are cold,
but the time is long
and silence comes too easily.

Your house is still and dark.
No silly notes, no surprises.
No cat naps, no quiet morning kisses.

The clocks tell time for no one
while ‘miss you’s slip from my mouth
onto the floor, and lie unmoving,
patiently waiting to be heard.

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goodness, humor, life

It’s code for rom-com

Boyfriend and I have been dating for just over three years now, and we’re still very much in love.  This is new for me.  Usually I leave after about two years.  I guess when people say, “The magic was gone,” maybe that’s what happened in my past relationships.  I just wasn’t in love anymore.  I wasn’t as happy as I knew I could be.  So I left.  Imagine my surprise when anniversary number two came and went without any change between Boyfriend and me.  Our love stayed strong, and I’m happy.

One night when Boyfriend came home late from work, he tip-toed over to where I was fast asleep to say hi before getting ready for bed.  This is common for us; to prioritize a loving greeting before all else.  Of course, I was notorious for talking my sleep at the time, and was completely passed out.  Boyfriend’s hands are usually cold, and I’ve always been known to generate heat at an alarming rate.  So when he touched my face and hand that night, I apparently reacted in typical sleep-talking girlfriend fashion: I said, “No no, frozen pizza, no.”  Then I insisted that “Pizza goes in the oven,” and put his ice-cold hand against my white-hot stomach, and pulled my shirt down over it, encasing his hand in my own personal furnace-tummy.

Thus were our pet names born: He is Pizza, I am Oven.

with anchovies and green olives

He left town today for a great job, and he’ll be gone for two weeks.  I’m really proud of him.  He’s going to make it, and he deserves to.  Meanwhile, though, I miss him pretty bad.  I always cry when he leaves for a job, even if it’s only for a few days.  The act of separating is what’s so hard for me.  Being apart is pretty lame too, but I’ve always been good at entertaining myself.  He says he loves me because I’m strong.  I cried when we said goodbye this morning.  I can’t help it.  I love my Pizza.

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life

Now with the begging

It occurred to me recently that I have to start living like a student soon because I’ll be completing my application to graduate school.  I need to start being super frugal like I used to be, but I also must have a bitchin’ Renaissance Faire costume for next year.  I have one year to find $1,000.

If you enjoy my blog, give like five bucks and I’ll shut up.  Click the button.

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life, martial arts

Stuart Smalley is now a state senator; time to get off my ass and think positive

I had an interesting conversation with Diminutive Roommate the other night.  She mentioned that I always seemed confident in myself.  I corrected her immediately.  I don’t always speak up when I should, which bothers me a lot.  I have to correct myself often when I have thoughts like, “I’ll never be as good at this as her,” which happened most commonly at my old real estate job (and it was true).  I had that thought tonight at Kung Fu.  Watching the way the instructor moves when he’s instructing, doing the techniques at 10% speed is so educational.  The essence of the technique comes out, and I think, I’ll never be as good as him at this.  Ever.  Oh well.

a machine that thinks. also known as "Skynet."

I really, really need to stop thinking like that.  Who the fuck am I helping?  I get these thoughts during the cardio workout class there, too.  But it occurred to me tonight that I jumped into that cardio class after years of doing zero training or working out of any kind.  And I’m doing an awesome job keeping up.  A small group of students have become kinda friends, and they really appreciate the extra experience I bring to the studio.  So SUCK IT, LIFE.  I will stop silently putting myself down all the time.

I told the instructor that I think I’ll have all the material for white, yellow and orange sashes mastered in a week, which is true, I think.  I’ll just have to practice every day, especially at the dojo.  I can do this.  One piece at a time, I will master kung fu like I mastered tae kwon do and hap ki do.  I’m good at this.  I can do it.

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goodness, life

My old friend, science fiction

I love Science Fiction as a genre for the same reason I love anime: There are no limits.  Anything is possible.  Who wouldn’t love that?  It’s not just for science/computer/gamer geeks and nerds.  Science tears down the walls within our minds and builds roads to the horizon.

I love you, too, Isaac Asimov

A few of my favorites:

Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card- Kids!  It’s about kids!  Show it to your kid!  It’s an amazing book for adults, but it’s about kids, so kids eat it up.  Synopsis: In a world where the Earth is at war with an alien race of “buggers,” our last hope is the children bred to have the qualities of great military leaders.  One boy, Ender, is clever and reluctant to fight, but shows promise…

The Red Planet by Robert A. Heinlein- My first trip to Mars, courtesy of one of the pioneers of novel-length science fiction.

Dune by Frank Herbert- Such a fantastic book.  I re-read it a few years ago, and I’ll read it again soon.  A strange new world where water is scarce means constant skirmishes with the natives who turn out to have more secrets and power than anyone dared imagine.  It falls to a young prince to follow his father’s example of generosity and strength to lead the people, prevent war, and rule an entire planet, or perish. (also, this)

A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle- This book was a must-read by kids in my elementary school, and it messed with our brains.  For example, it featured fantastic creatures who gave visions of twelve-dimensional shapes to children, then explained how time travel was achieved by “wrinkling” the fabric of space/time, stepping across the wrinkle, then smoothing out the fabric.  At age ten, I was thoroughly impressed.  I need to re-read this; it’s been too long.

Stranger in a Strange Land by Heinlein- I like the ideas in this (a human raised on Mars as a Martian, brought back to Earth with fantastic abilities), but can’t get over the lack of strong female characters, and the way the women are treated, as caretakers and comforters.  Women aren’t made of moms and blankets, we’re people.  It’s the era in which it was written… very hippy-driven, free love, which means the men get laid all the time, and the women too, but the women tend not to have any power.  But he was strongly against racism, and wrote minority characters often, which is awesome.

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life, martial arts, work

Pity party

nectar of the gods

It occurred to me recently that I’ve become a very busy person.  I don’t particularly like being super busy; I’m not one of those people who has to be doing something all the time to feel useful.  I’d like to sleep in at Boyfriend’s house, read, have some eggs and tater tots with Cholula and ketchup, take a walk, lay out in the sun (finally finish that last LOTR book), maybe have some sex, take a nap, watch a few episodes of Buffy or The Office, try to cook a delicious meal from that recipe app I just got (go get phở after probable, massive failure) or go have dinner with friends, followed by 5-hour table-top gaming session.

THAT is a perfect day.  Here’s what I do instead:

Monday, Wednesday, Friday
Office Job: Alarm goes off at 7:21am, snooze until 7:45, get dressed, make PBJ sammiches, leave by 8:15, chastise self for being late so often.  Park car in giant parking structure, take tram to campus, walk to building, attempt to work until 1:30pm.  Drive to Redondo Beach to teach a few karate classes to kids who either:
a) Love it, and love me
b) Have a great attitude, even when I tell them to do something hard
c) Love having fun, but therefore must be entertained, lest the unhappy face make an appearance (I call it “The Crank”)
d) Didn’t get their nap, and are close to flopping on the floor and giving up every second of the class
e) Don’t want to be there at all.  Want to go home.  Now.  Home.  Home!  NOW!

pictured: option D

Fridays I go to Santa Monica to teach karate, where the kids tend to have nannies, a stronger sense of entitlement, and parent who tend not to want to hear anything that might resemble criticism.

Tuesday
Repeat above Office Job portion.  Go home to the Westside, eat ramen (or broccoli omfg I love it so much), relax for a few hours, change into Kung Fu clothes, leave by 5:15 to help with beginner’s class, take cardio class, take intermediate class.  Five hours after I left for the studio, I arrive home to eat something easy, shower, and go to bed by 11:30.

Thursday
SLEEP IN!  Repeat above Kung Fu portion.

Saturday
SLEEP IN!  This is the only day I truly have completely off.  I spend most of it sleeping, eating, gaming with friends (poker!), and generally not standing up.

Sunday
Alarm goes off at 9:21am.  Must leave by 9:45, but snooze until 9:39 most of the time.  Drive to Redondo Beach dojo, stop by McDonalds for two egg mcmuffins (eat both in car), park car at dojo, walk across PCH (scary!) to Starbucks (grande iced mocha with whip cream).  Teach four classes, and maybe a weapons workshop.  Done by 3 or 6.  Go home, repeat Saturday plan.

Most of my fellow Sensei’s are actors, so they all need time off at the drop of a hat, and refuse to cover for anyone else too far into the future for fear of double-booking on the day of their yet-unbooked big break.  I’ve been covering a bunch recently because of the incoming car purchase, meaning I haven’t had a full day off in almost three weeks.  I drive almost 200 miles per week just to get to my jobs on my own shifts (not counting Kung Fu which adds 20mi).  Monday comes zooming up on me since Sunday is a work day, then I’m sleep-deprived until three days later when I get to sleep in on Thursday.  I look forward to sleep more than I look forward to food at this point.  Which is sad.  Maybe that’ll change if I make one of those amazing pumpkin dishes!  🙂

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goodness, life, martial arts

An exciting day

Yesterday was an exciting day for three reasons: Poker, Car, Kung Fu.

POKER

it's orange! like a pumpkin!

Diminutive Roommate and I went to college together.  I get the feeling we’re going to be friends our whole lives.  I sure hope we are, because we have so much fun together.  We used to play poker at least once a week in college, and decided recently that we should start doing that again.  Sister bought me a poker table years ago, and I just got it back last week from Chinese ExBoyfriend’s household (we broke up… wow, over five years ago).

Hooray!  I got it back!  But we’ve been borrowing poker chips from them too, so I thought fuck it, I’m getting my own chips.  Imagine my delight when I discovered that you can order any number of any color chip you want.  So instead of the traditional set of 500 white, red, blue, black, green poker chip set, I got 650 yellow, orange, gray, purple and pink.  CANNOT WAIT TO PLAY WITH THEM SUPER EXCITED THEY’RE GETTING HERE MONDAAAAAAYYYY!!

CAR

Apparently entry-level automatic cars are not sold without all kinds of bells and whistles, so yesterday I custom-ordered my car.  It’s going to be a white Fiat 500 with brown and white interior and no extras (who the fuck needs a engine block heater in LA?).  It should be ready in 45 days (Is that business days I asked?  No one knows.  Apparently this is top-secret info the Chrysler factories churning these things out in Mexico aren’t telling anyone).  I’m not as excited as I should be, because I’ve been attempting to buy this damn car for weeks now.  No one at the dealerships or credit union are doing their job despite the fact that I’m attempting to buy a car at full price, and in the meantime I’m stuck in that damn deathtrap 98 Exploder that inhales gas at an alarming rate (I’m getting maybe 11mpg.  Maybe).  When the Fiat arrives I’ll lose my mind.  Meanwhile, I spent $372 on gas last month.  But fuck it!  I’m getting  a new car!  It’s gonna be so fucking cute, hahaha!

so cute

KUNG FU

I was invited to train at a kung fu studio by a friend of mine (let’s call her Little Iron Friend- she has completed her Iron Palm training; high-fiving her is painful).  I’ve only been taking classes sporadically for six months.  I’ve chatted with the instructors, who have made it clear that they’re willing to put me on the fast track to obtaining a black sash.  I told them I’d like to earn a brown sash first, then work for black.  The head instructor seemed very pleased with that decision.  He said, “You move like a black belt.  There’s no reason why you shouldn’t earn your black sash within a year.”

fingers crossed!

I figured that meant that I would attend class without rank until I tested for brown.  Imagine my surprise when I arrived early yesterday to watch Little Iron Friend teach class, and one of the instructors approached me with a brand new, folded, shining brown sash.  He held it out to me with two hands, in the traditional style, and said, “This is for you.”  I didn’t reach out to take it; I just stared at it, and said, “What’s that?”  He grinned, and informed me that I will effectively hold the rank of brown sash while I learn all the material leading up to that rank.  This means I’ll be the highest rank in the intermediate class, which will likely cause some tension.  I’m not too worried about it; I have no ego associated with my rank, and I think most people know that.  I have one more black belt than the only black belt student in the school (that I’ve seen), and he’s uber serious for some reason.  No sense of humor to speak of.  It’s really a shame.

The point is, I have a kung fu brown sash.  And that’s amazing.  Little Iron Friend and I had dinner last night and chatted about it.  She’s a green sash, so I out-rank her now which could be awkward. I told her if she feels weird or if this starts to put a strain on our friendship, I’ll give it back and walk away. She said it’s not a problem, and we’re good.  She has a lot of respect for me as a martial artist, and vice versa, so I think we’re going to be fine.  I told her I was nervous about how the other students would react now that I technically outrank them.  She said, “I’ll stand by you.  Don’t worry about it.”  I was touched.  I’m so glad we found each other and became friends.

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badness, goodness, life

The money issue

I’m feeling some pressure here.

I’ve known for a long time that I love to teach.  Teaching has always come naturally to me, much to the chagrin of Boyfriend who has gently hinted on more than one occasion, “Ok, you’re not at work, you can stop teaching now.”  It’s also common knowledge that teachers don’t make the cover of Forbes.  I will never be rich.  I will never make as much money as my parents do.  My sister will almost certainly out-earn me by a significant margin.

This never bothered me because I was going after (and I now do for a living) what I love.  I love to teach; I can’t help it.  And for that I will be not-wealthy (and potentially poor) for the rest of my life.  It’s not the worst thing in the world by a lot, but it is a shame, and it’s starting to bother me.  Discussing finances with friends recently has painted a depressing picture for me.  Suddenly I am not the one with the healthiest savings account.  In three or so years, I have become the lowest earner.  I’m at the bottom of the heap of people I love.  I’m genuinely excited for them, but their fortunes cast my own financial situation in sharp relief.  Starting today, I will always be poor compared to them.  That’s a depressing thought.

aaaaand there's the problem

I’ve made just one really fatal flaw in my life so far: I should have gone straight to graduate school after college, but I listened to other people who said, “You should try out the working world, you can always go back to school.”  I’ve spent the past four years in jobs I disliked (and occasionally hated), slowly clawing my way back toward academia until grad school is back within reach.  I regret not going straight to grad school.  I regret listening to others instead of listening to myself.  I knew what I wanted, and I let it get away.  It’s going to take a lot of work to get it back.

I need to get over it, though.  I have everything I want (except more spare time, one less job, and one more degree).  Things are good.  I’m about to get a new car.  I’m happy.  My friends are good.  My family… a bit of a mess right now, but that will change with time.  I need to focus on my future, and get where I’m going.  Focus.  Focus.  Focus.

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