Category Archives: humor

anime, goodness, humor

The Original (and superior) Avatar

The Last Airbender is one of the best series (animated or not) of all time. Every time a watch an episode, I say something like, “Aww, [featured character] is the best!” I’m completely attached to every character, and each one is essential to the plot. With ten-or-so main characters and dozens of side characters, that’s a tall order, and yet I can’t think of a single episode that isn’t essential to their development and progressing the plot. In fact, one episode (Tales of Ba Sing Se) just follows some of the main characters around on their individual exploits for a day, and it’s commonly considered one of the best episodes of the series.

I watched the last bunch of episodes recently, and I remembered one more thing I enjoyed about the ending [the guy gets the girl, not much of a spoiler, amirite?]. When two of the main characters end up finally getting together, they hug, then they share a long awaited kiss. Why the hug? Because they’re friends first, no matter what happens, including romance. I love that. It’s completely believable for those characters, and a perfect way to end an action-packed, (frankly) stressful finale.

I cannot endorse this series highly enough. It starts out slow and childlike, then cranks up the heat and goes all amazing on us. It’s like crack, if that’s what crack was like.

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anime, goodness, humor

Wolverine in Japan

Marvel is going anime again. I don’t want to get caught up in a typical fanboy comparison of all past iterations of this effort. Let’s discuss the teaser for the Japanization of Wolverine, which you can watch here. (Notice in the screenshot that his claws aren’t even coming out of the right spot on his hands. It’s like he’s holding a bunch of kitchen knives and posing for a myspace photo. Ugh.)

When I read that article about how Wolverine would be one of the first to be converted into an anime-style cartoon, I knew straight off the bat that there would be one big problem which should be obvious to anyone who watches anime, and one big upside, a bright spot in what seems like a really bad idea.

The Problem
If I had to name the manliest character in all the American comics I’ve read, I’d say hands down that Wolverine is it. He’s a remorseless, self-centered, devil-may-care, indestructible killing machine. He can be riddled with holes and survive to kill the guy who did it. He’s loved and lost; now he’s a jaded, motorcycle-riding, cigar-smoking womanizer. He’s what every man has at some point wanted to be.

Now let’s have a look at your typical anime manly-man:

–Naraku (Inuyasha)- Falls in love with a totally hot priestess, and gives his body to demons if they will give him the power to claim this woman. It doesn’t work, but throughout the series, he ends up killing tens of thousands of people (at least).

–Orochimaru (Naruto)- Betrays his entire village, slaughters countless people, all in a quest to achieve his own immortality. Overall a real asshole.

–Abel Nightroad (Trinity Blood)- A Methusela (vampire who feeds on other vampires) who is torn between his hunger for human blood, and the soft spot in his heart for one annoying girl (a NUN, no less).

Notice a pattern emerging here? Abel is possibly the most masculine-looking dude to make the list, and still, I could probably bench press this guy. All of these male characters could be mistaken for females on a good day. Anime men typically have effeminate faces, flowing hair, slender builds, and soft voices. [For some reason this is considered sexy in Japan. I don’t get it.] Now picture Wolverine with those traits. Yikes.

The Bright Spot
American cartoons are notoriously hammy. The creators refuse to kill off main characters, show blood, or frighten their viewers with suggestions of mutilation, violence, etc. I’m not saying I’m looking forward to watching Wolverine cut on a corpse for an entire episode (frankly, I think the Japanese could give the topic of rape a rest), but current American cartoons that feature Wolverine are… adorable. Which is very, very bad. The gore that’s allowed in anime is a perfect fit for Wolverine’s character, assuming he’s still allowed to be a crazed slicing, dicing madman on occasion. Personally, I can’t wait to watch him fuck some shit up anime style as long as there isn’t too much hair tossing.

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goodness, humor

Oh, the Japanese

one seriously pansy-ass mascot

I discovered recently that the Japanese police force has a mascot.  I imagine the conversation between some Ladypants reporter and some Suit in charge of Public Relations would go something like this:

.
Ladypants: Every major corporation needs some good PR now and again. How should one go about attaining said PR?
Suit: Well, one way of doing that is to assume an adorable mascot to prance around and misrepresent our vicious company as a sweet, friendly animal.
L: But what if you’re the police?
S: …I don’t understand the question.
L: I’m just saying, it’s fine for a business to use some cute little animal to trick kids into thinking they’re harmless, but the police don’t want to achieve the same goal, so…
S: Wait, which police are we talking about here?
L: Uh… what?
S: Have you ever been to Japan?
L: No.
S: Oh. Well their law enforcement mascot is just PRECIOUS.
L: …Excuse me?
S: Seriously, they’ve done such a great job at emasculating themselves over there. It’s like they’re not even police officers any more. They’re like children dressing up for Halloween. People keep candy in their purses to throw into the windows of passing cop cars.
L: …You’re kidding.
S: Kinda. But their mascot is pretty cute, though.
L: Why would the police need a mascot?
S: …I don’t understand the question.
L: OK, WE’RE DONE HERE.

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anime, goodness, humor, work

Black Holes, Anime, and Fuckin’ StarCraft II

StarCraft II
My boyfriend was nice enough to pick me up a copy of StarCraft II the night it came out. He’s been pretty excited to play it, and I can clunk through an RTS when I need to, so I wanted to experience it with him. But for the past two weeks I haven’t played SCII for more than ten minutes without buggy black screens, etc. fucking up my game play and making the simplest game aginst the AI impossible. I’m just trying to impress my boyfriend here, dammit. I am so full of hate for this game.

Anime
If it wasn’t apparent, I’m an anime fan. I’ve been following Naruto for… shit, for a few years now I guess. It’s a fun show with annoying patches of filler episodes (typical anime). It was really getting good for while there, too. The most recent episodes featured an entire city getting wiped off the map, main characters dying off left, right and center, huge fights, revelations, you name it. And just when we’re about to get into the final confrontation between the protagonist and antagonist… we jump back in time to watch Naruto and his friends do some ridiculous quest. Little kid Naruto is adorable, but WTF?! I just want to know what happens to the Hidden Leaf! What happens to Hinata? What do Naruto and the bad guy talk about? Do they reach a resolution? Do they fight? Does Naruto finally become Hokage? Double-U Teeeee Effffff

Black Holes
I work with kids part-time, which is really fun sometimes. You just never know what they’re going to say. Yesterday we were talking about outer space, and I mentioned black holes. None of the kids knew what a black hole was. I described it as “something that’s super tiny that can eat anything and everything up.” Then I told them that after something is eaten up, we lose track of it. No one on Earth has any idea where it goes. The kids could not believe what I had just said. A couple of them literally thought I was lying. I said, “Really! It’s a huge mystery. Even the smartest people in the world don’t know where it goes after it gets eaten up by a black hole.” Then I did what my dad used to do: I made them try to think up an answer all by themselves. I asked, “Where do you guys think it goes?” They were all quiet for a few seconds, until one boy said, “Maybe it goes into the future.”
Wow. Just… wow. I couldn’t believe he said that. How awesome is that kid’s brain that the future is the first thing he thinks of. Not a place, a TIME. HAHAHAHA!! Amazing!

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anime, goodness, humor, nerd

ComiCon: Come ‘n Gone

This year’s ComiCon was my third overall, and my first as a member of the press (which didn’t make much of a difference, actually). I crashed in a hotel closet the first night, and shared a bed with a very nice lady comedian the second night. Saturday morning, she and I went to a nearby restaurant (and I use the term loosely) for breakfast. It was like being in a third-world country: everything was brightly painted to cover rust, nothing matched, there were album covers and instruments covering nearly every surface, and there were several full-sized painted figures of various celebrities scattered around (Elvis made me jump as I turned a corner). The owner was a character; I’m definitely going back my next trip.

My goal for this year’s ComiCon was to take photos of as many cosplayers as I could stand. 200 photos later, mission a-fracking-ccomplished. I also got to interview a bunch of them on camera for Comics on Comics. Those interviews should be up on their website soon. So much fun! Some of them just loved to tell us about their costume, others were so shy I couldn’t get more than a word or two out of them (so cute!).

My celebrity encounter
I got to meet Richard Taylor, who is bar-none the kindest, most generous and engaging semi-celebrity I will probably ever have the pleasure of encountering. He’s the head of the Weta Workshop which did all the props for The Lord of the Rings movies. He was just standing on the floor near the Dark Horse booth chatting with whomever was waiting patiently for their turn. He turned the conversation to my friends and I as soon as we were introduced, asking us where we were from, how do we like the con, do we work in the industry, etc. I couldn’t get over what a nice guy he was. Color me impressed.
I also got to meet Scott Kurtz who creates PvP Online, an online comic I’ve been reading for years. He was very low key, and happy to chat a bit.

A few things I’ve learned about cosplaying this year:
-It pays to have a comfortable costume (especially shoes).
-Earn the Roadblock achievement- A true sign of an amazing costume (or a skimpy one) is when one person can cause a traffic jam in the main hall while everyone stops to get a photo.
-Be a good sport- A great costume will make you a celebrity for a day. The first time some random stranger asked for my photo, I got pretty excited (my costume was very accurate, but pretty simple). The only exception to this rule came when I spotted a girl with a fantastic Scout costume from Team Fortress. I asked for a photo and she immediately froze, then took off waving her bat over her head as she went. I was in shock. AWESOME.
-Plan ahead- Every decent costume requires a good amount of planning, so you have to start months before the con to make sure you have everything you need. Some assembly will always be required.
-Just smile- I was pleased to rediscover that true cosplayers are not attention whores. They dress up because they love a character, not because they want people begging for a photo-op. Speaking of which…
-DO YOUR RESEARCH- If you’re going to dress up as a character, you’d better believe there will be people at the con who want to see that trademark move, or hear that catchphrase your character is always saying. If you can’t deliver, get ready for some seriously disappointed nerds. I photographed a woman dressed as the White Queen. Her costume was fantastic, so I asked which comic she got her inspiration from (Uncanny, Astonishing, etc). She had no idea what I was talking about. So disappointing. Would it have killed her to read up on her character on Wikipedia before the con? Visually, she was perfect for the role of Emma Frost, but she knew nothing about the X-Men universe. Which brings us to our next topic…
-Dress to your body type- How many fat, out of shape jedi did I see in San Diego this weekend, LOL! I didn’t see any Man-Faye (thank god), but if you’re gonna wear something tight, your options are to either get a gym membership months and months before the con, or dress up as a fat character. Really!
-Go all the way!- I saw so many people there with pieces of a costume on (wearing a Master Chief helmet ONLY is not a costume!). Don’t be scared, guys. If there’s any place where people will accept you in your bizzarre outfit, it’s ComiCon. Which brings us to…
-Do it or don’t- For everyone who bought their costume at Hot Topic, you’re taking up space at the con that could be filled by legitimate nerds. Buying Emily the Strange comics does not make you a comic book nerd. Just set your DVR to record Fringe, re-read the Twilight saga with your cat, and give your passes to real fans.

The Comics!
Archaia Press had a crazy deal going on for their graphic novels this year. I got 5 hardbacks for $50. The deal was: 2 for 1, 5 for 2, or 7 for 3. Made the whole trip worth it.
I got two of the Mouseguard books which I’ve been meaning to check out. At the Darkhorse booth I got Beasts of Burden, which is great so far. I also picked up Batman Grendel for $6. I grabbed a Wolverine sketch for my roommate (he’s her favorite), and a couple prints for myself.

The final hilight
Saturday night before I left, some friends and I went to an Italian restaurant called Acqua al 2. A few of us had a fillet mignon with a blueberry reduction sauce (see the Fileno al Mirtilio on the menu). It was like eating a meat pancake. So unusual and very tasty. The perfect end to an exhausting weekend.

P.S. My costume was a huge success! I got every aspect just right, and enough people recognized me to make me satisfied that I did a good job on it. Yuri Sakazaki, you’re my hero.

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goodness, humor, nerd

For Pony!!!

I just want to take a moment to express my appreciation for online comics. I’ve recently burned through years and years of backlogged comics like PvP in a matter of days. Here’s my favorites list:

PvP Online (my first love)
Looking for Group (Hilarious WoW-based characters on an epic quest)
Girls with Slingshots (it’s ok to be horny and female)
Chainsawsuit (Non-sequitur central)
Gunshow (totally dismally hilarious)
Thinkin’ Lincoln (intellectual, but not too high-brow)
Dinosaur Comics (uses the same illustrations for every frame, and it still works)

Penny Arcade doesn’t make the list because the majority of their humor is based on very specific gamer experiences, most of which I don’t share with the writers. I love Lookouts and Automata, and Twisp and Catsby are cute, but everything else is pretty much over my head. And I can’t stand people who idolize the writers (aka, my ex; get over it, they’re just some dudes who like games). The same goes for xkcd. I’m not in the math nerd circle, so I don’t understand a good amount of the material, and the stuff I do get isn’t very funny. So if you’re reading this blog, don’t tell me how awesome xkcd is. It’s not.
Regardless, the comics on my list are great.

EDIT:
This is part of why I love online comics so much. You can get to know the creators, and every strip starts to feel like an inside joke with a long-distance friend you met that one summer at camp. This particular post made me cry, but you get the idea.

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goodness, humor

The Breakdown: X-Men


I picked up an X-Men comic recently (Manifest Destiny), and was introduced to the character Pixie, a pink-haired teen with fairy wings. She gives off a powder that induces hallucinations about fluffy, innocuous teddy bears (I shit you not). Plus she has a knife that comes… out of… her… soul. Right.

She’s super cute, and her personality is great, very spunky and kick-ass, but… what’s her power again? Let’s break it down.

Pixie can:

-fly

-freak people out with visions of stuffed animals

-look and sound adorable (Welsh accent)

So basically, she’s the Rockateer at a rave. She’s P!nk with a jetpack and a jack knife. She’s the love-child of Tinkerbelle and Crocodile Dundee. And this qualifies her to be a member of the X-Men because… why? She’s a moody teen with a cute figure who poses no serious danger to anyone (other than her liver). What is it that qualifies Pixie to be a member of the X-Men?

I’m glad you asked, because the qualifications of becoming a member of the X-Men are dark and hilarious. Here’s what the job listing might look like.

 

Xavier Institute of Higher Learning seeks to turn innocent children into highly skilled combat operatives.

Job description:

Applicants should be ready and able to perform an array of duties, including, but not limited to: defending Earth from external and internal threats (occasionally at the cost of your own lives, of course), during which you will be treated like adults; taking mediocre classes with other weirdos, during which you will be treated like children; having whole conversations full of witty one-liners during battles when quick action could save lives; putting up with the instructors constantly boning and breaking up with each other (when they’re not duking it out in front of the entire student body), only to hook up again after every other battle. Housing includes a giant mansion equipped with technology so advanced, its inevitable malevolent sentience is sure to be the death of us all (see attached brochure). The headmaster, Charles Xavier, has maintained the security of the school by invading the minds of all non-attendees, and mentally cloaking its location. But he definitely won’t covertly mess with your head. That would be wrong. (Pinky-swear guaranteed upon acceptance into program.)

Requirements for male applicants:

-Applicants must be roguishly handsome, and/or have membership in Mensa.

-Must have a strong propensity to develop a crush on fellow students and/or teachers

-Must be comfortable showing off package (see: female uniform requirements)

Requirements for female applicants:

-Giant boobs (obviously)

-Passive mutant abilities preferred (shield, teleportation, invisibility, intangibility, etc.)

-Must be comfortable in skimpy, age-inappropriate latex uniform (preferably with impractical heels)

General Requirements:

-Applicants must be emo, and/or socially inept. Well-balanced youngsters need not apply.

-Little attachment to consistency, and being alive. Ability to rebound quickly from death of friends preferred.

-A tragic past, preferably seeded in a sense of isolation. Rejection by homo-sapiens, victimization by rioters, and loss of control of mutative power resulting in loss of a loved one a plus!

 

Who are the X-Men? At this point, we’re left with a bunch of super-powered teenage screw-ups saving whole cities (and occasionally, entire GALAXIES) from annihilation, lead by a man whose only intellectual shortcoming seems to fall under the category of “Shit That Would Make a Cripple Walk Again,” and can’t seem to control one magnetic cry-baby. This scenario doesn’t exactly instill confidence. No wonder humans are trying to wipe them out.

So why is Pixie a member of the X-Men? Because that’s exactly where good-looking mutant fuck-ups belong.

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humor

BURLAK, bitches!

Oh, Russia.

I saw a Facebook profile the other day of some random Swedish dude who listed a band named Burlak as his only favorite band. Naturally I got curious and looked them up. Apparently they’re a Russian “TurboMetal” band whose website reads, “Welcome to the Revolution; You’ve just reached the razor’s edge.” They’ve just released a single entitled “Obsession,” with matching music video.

Words cannot describe how predictably horrible this video is. From the broken, poorly-used English in the chorus, to the amateur guitar solo, to the bug-eyed, spray-on tanned, roid-popping, inked-out lead singer (pictured), to his comically diminutive-by-comparison band-mates, this whole video is a complete disaster from beginning to end. A friend who watched it with me remarked, “Ooh that girl’s cute, that girl is attractive I guess, and wtFFF… MOM?!”

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humor

Seafood massacre

Red Lobster (and other seafood restaurants), you have attracted my satirical ire.

Aside from being synonymous with tacky, Red Lobster also has the most careless wait staff and patrons I have ever had the misfortune of observing on TV. Heaven forbid they get anywhere near some king crab or Cajun grilled shrimp, because that shit will go flying across a table, get slammed onto a plate, and brutally cannon-balled into a dish of butter with such immediacy that their love affair with slow motion brutality against maritime confections (second only to having heart attacks) can only be described as barbaric. I have never seen so much reasonably tasty-looking food get so horribly manhandled.

How is watching beautiful food get abused appealing? At what point do I nudge the guy who ordered the lobster tail at the next table and say, “Y’know what you should do with that? Try smothering it in some disgusting garlic cream sauce, dousing it with way too much lemon, and covering it– I mean COVERING it– with some horrible combination of spices that’ll mute the natural deliciousness of the dish. Or maybe smear something on it you would never think of… how about some maple syrup? Then just drop it onto the plate a couple’a times just to watch it bounce. I see it in commercials all the time. I’m pretty sure that’s how you should eat seafood.” FALSE.

That is all.

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