Category Archives: humor

goodness, humor, life

YOU WILL KNOW HOW TO RIDE A BIKE

The best use of YouTube so far has to be the mass enjoyment of our species’ offspring.  Kids are ridiculous, and now, millions of people can laugh at each other’s children being themselves.

This is one of the best videos of some random kid I’ve seen to date.  I literally cried with laughter.  He steps up on a curb like it’s a stage.  Why is he yelling?  What does rock and roll have to do with anything?  This kid is the best.  I hope one of my potential future kids are like this guy: loud, confident, and unflappably optimistic.

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goodness, humor, martial arts

Tae Kwon Do

This video has been making the rounds the past couple of days.  Instant classic.  Look at these kids, bouncing around like little bunnies.  Notice they have a pretty standard fighting stance before the fight starts, but as soon as it starts, their hands drop like all Tae Kwon Do trained fighters do, because they’re waiting for their opponent to kick them so they can dodge and kick back.  No hands involved, just lightning-fast feet and brutally strong legs.  Unless you’re an adorable child, like one of these little monsters.

hop hop *twirl* hop hop hop

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goodness, humor

If only…

If parents pulled shit like this on their kids, OMG I might die laughing.  Some kids are so out of control, they need a good scare to remember that the only thing between them and some horrible monster is the spineless parents they treat so shamefully.

genius

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goodness, humor

Xmas: Always a hilarious semi-disaster

wait until there are presents!!

My hands smell like a pine tree!  We just bought, carried upstairs (via freight elevator), and decorated our 6-foot tree with white and red lights, and gold and red ornaments.  Also, little Gregory (a felt gingerbread man I bought at the fabric store) almost made it to the top of the tree this year, but was usurped by a cheap, glittery, plastic gold star we use every year, which really tops the whole thing off nicely.  We figured out how to punch a whole in it and wind some twine through it and thereby affix it to the top of the tree so we didn’t have to hot-glue it this year.  Yep.  Classy shit.

Diminutive Roommate’s cat, Calico, is fweaking out, as usual.  It’s an annual ritual: the tree comes up, she investigates, goes medieval on the white twine that was used to tie it down to the roof of the car, then tears around the house when we hiss at her for attacking the lights.  It’s quite a little show.

The first year we lived at the old place (2008), it seemed like everyone was out of town with family: all my friends, both my roommates, even Sister I think.  I was pretty alone at home, and a few days before Xmas, I decided to spruce the place up, and bought myself a tree.  It was pretty tiny, only three or four feet high.  I threw it on top of the Pontiac, grabbed a stand to put it on, bought some seriously discounted lights at the local grocery store, and went home.  The guys at the lot gave me one giant nail with which to secure said tree to the wooden pieces of the stand, plus a plastic bowl for water.  It’s a pretty simple formula:

simple enough... for some

And yet somehow I was so excited about putting the tree up that I forgot about the bowl, and nailed the ever-loving shit out of those boards onto the bottom of the tree.  I stood it up and immediately realized my problem: I had fucked it all up.  And I could not for the life of me get the nail out of the boards or the tree stump.  I had done a world class job of securing them together, and it was going to take some creativity and muscle to separate them.

First I tried using the other side of the hammer.  No dice.  I tried standing on the wooden stand and pulling.  Painful and fruitless.  I realized I would have to apply all the force I could muster against something with more resistance than my body was capable of.

I came up with a brilliant, obnoxious plan.

The rear door to the building was made of metal, and opened up on an alley.  I decided to place just the portion of the tree with the stand on it outside the door, then close the door just enough so that when I YANKED on the tree, the stand would be forced off.  It seemed like a simple, if absurd plan.  I was pretty sure it was going to work.  What I didn’t count on was the noise, and the number of times I would have to repeat this amazing strategy to get that fucking stand off my goddamn tree.

mad genius

It must have been 2am by the time I started hurling the stand against the door and its frame.  The alley provided for some horrifyingly efficient acoustics.  I pitied anyone who lived within fifty yards.  After the first ten or so swings, I really got the hang of it, and threw my whole body into it.  A few minutes in, I took a break to laugh hysterically at the sweaty absurdity of my situation, then got back to work.

Eventually I succeeded, and none of my neighbors complained about the racket I had made (maybe because they were CRAZY).  I affixed the stand properly, decorated the tree sparsely, and placed it in an empty corner where it sat, looking warm, yet lonely, which described that Xmas perfectly.

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badness, goodness, humor

Ultimate internet thing

Diminutive Roommate was nice enough to show me this truly horrifying video: Welcome to Kitty City.  It has many cats.  And when I say cats, I don’t mean “Aww, so cute,” or “Wtf is that cat doing?  Weirdo.”  I mean I stared at the screen with a confused, I-can’t-look-away kind of face.

There are no cats getting eaten alive or anything horribly violent like that.  This video is what happens when the internet is focused by a giant magnifying glass, and that tiny point of concentrated interwebz hits your brain and makes it hurt.  That’s what this video is: dehydrated meme, force-fed into your eyeballs with terrifying efficiency and a hypnotizing broken-down carnival-ride soundtrack.

Here’s the creator’s website.

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goodness, humor, nerd

Everyone loves Cthulhu

I found myself in the strange position of explaining the Cthulhu phenomenon to my dad over the weekend.

STOP COMPLAINING AND EAT IT

It started with this hilarious-looking game, Miskatonic School for Girls, where members of the H. P. Lovecraft universe make up the staff.  The point of the game is to help your house’s students retain their sanity longer than your opponent.  The card that pushed me over the edge?  Cthulhu as the lunch lady.

First I explained what Kickstarter is; an online service that allows people to raise funds for independent projects for which there are too few/zero financial sponsors.  Then I told him about the game.  Then I tried to explain how Cthulhu has become an internet meme for some reason, but I’m not sure how, so I found myself saying stuff like, “He’s an underwater god from the Lovcraftian universe, but people online make fun of him by making him out to be emo or adorable.”  Which makes no sense of course, but it’s an internet meme, so all it has to do is entertain in the void to be a success.

how do I even begin to explain Cthulhu Spock...?

Cthulhu really is the perfect internet meme, now that I think about it.  He’s an obscure reference to a piece of literature at the root of sci-fi/fantasy nerd country that few people have actually read, but somehow everyone knows and loves enough to poke fun of and ironically turn into plushies.  He devours souls, people.  And now he’s a knitted baby toy.

YOU WIN, INTERNET.

I made this

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anime, goodness, humor, life, martial arts, nerd

I am many nerds

I’m a nerd in a lot of ways; I read comics, play computer games, play video games, read Tolkien, read manga, watch anime, watch sci-fi, play table-top games, attend (and dress up for) Renaissance Faires… the list goes on and on.  I pulled out my keys the other day and noticed that some of my nerd-dom was fully on display, and had been for quite some time.

the weighted companion cube was a gift from Diminutive Roommate 🙂

Behold!  My awesome nerd keychain crap!   A Weighted Companion Cube from Portal, a light I got at ComicCon from the Battlestar Galactica booth, and a little carrot icon from the old days when a carrot on a stick was the most valuable item you could pick up at Gadgetzan in Tanaris from that one goblin, and god help you if you actually got those blue goggles instead, because that 3% meant life or death on a PVP server.

I get made fun of (mostly by Sister) for being a nerd, but she can eat shit for all I care.  I’m having a blast.  I’m not shutting myself in my room every weekend, hunched over a comic or my computer, avoiding sunlight and making no attempt at human interaction.  I am not a Gollum-nerd.  I am a modern-day nerd, enjoying my nerd friends and my eclectic interests.  Plus, I have a few anti-nerd weapons I can whip out: I’m female, I’m attractive, do KARATE HAI-YA!, I have many friends, I go out, I have an (attractive) significant other, I socialize easily with strangers, etc.

I am many nerds, and I am happy.

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goodness, humor, life

Highly inappropriate

there was also a stripper pole, fake money, and little spanking paddles

Teacher Roommate had a party yesterday to truly celebrate her birthday.  It was an Inappropriate Party, where everyone is supposed to show up wearing something offensive.  I thought about going in black face, but eventually decided on going naked.  Naturally, I didn’t have the stones (or the blood-alcohol level) to do that, so Diminutive Roommate and I got some nude unitards, colored on some askew nipples, threw on some thongs and fake pubes, and BAM!  We were ready for the party.

Unfortunately, we were not told that the rest of the females invited knew that “inappropriate” meant “excuse to dress whorishly.”  I have to say, I was disappointed.  I expected some creativity.  Instead we had no less than three “sexy school girls,” one “sexy Santa’s helper” (complete with lazy boyfriend in half-costume), one “sexy devil,” one dominatrix, etc.  So sad.  I expected more creativity, and less T&A.

Needless to say, Diminutive Roommate and I did everything we could to make people uncomfortable with our super gross fake pubic hair sticking out of the thongs we wore on the outside of our rather unflattering unitards.  I was pleased with our costumes; we got lots of laughs and had a fun time giving a lap dance to two prudish girls who showed up without costumes (apparently one was staunchly Christian, score!).

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goodness, humor, martial arts, work

Actually, you’re a grown-up

I often plug my iPhone into the sound system at Karate Job to play music for the kids while they play karate games.  I just can’t handle what they have on the CDs in there (which haven’t been changed in years).  One set of speakers is more sensitive than the others, and buzzes constantly when I plug into them, which is completely distracting and ruins the music.  Today I had a class of just one four year old who disliked the buzzing, so we agreed I should just unplug the phone.

He said, “I think you should fix that.”
I said, “I would like to, but I’m not sure how.”
He then looked at me like I had lost my mind, and kindly informed me that, “You’re a grown-up.  That means you know how.”
I smiled and said, “You’re right, I bet I could figure it out.”

So that was humbling.  Kids are so straight forward (especially mentally handicapped kids, which this one was).  No filter to speak of, just pure, often hilarious truth.  It’s refreshing and fun, and I highly recommend it.

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