totally appropriate
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Live, damn you!
Author Archives: Toph Beifong
Email: Ur doin’ it wrong
“Have you tried yelling at it?!”
As I’ve previously pointed out, it’s pretty much common knowledge that old people are bad with computers. Sure, there are exceptions, but on the whole, the learning curve is just too sharp for sexagenarians to keep up with.
My boss at Office Job is a member of said group. She has me print out PowerPoint presentations, and tells me to “keep a copy” of digital files. She scrolls through documents looking for names instead of using ctrl+f. She resends emails with the subject “not sure if i already sent this.” She double-clicks EVERYTHING.
Although this is what I’ve come to expect from her age-group, I confess I felt genuine shock when I helped her hunt through her Yahoo email inbox for some attachments. I told her to try searching for the recipient. The conversation went something like this:
“I’m looking at who sent them, I can’t find her.”
“…Try using the search bar… At the top… The top of the page… Right there.”
“Oh! That’s a great idea.”
“It’s very useful. I use my search bar often.”
And so on. I try to be gentle.
Eventually she gave up, got up from her chair and wished me luck. I sat down, went to the top of the page, and froze. She had over 150,000 emails in her inbox.
A hundred and fifty thousand.
If she’s been collecting these emails over the course of ten years, that’s 41 emails per day including weekends and holidays. Every day. For a decade.
I don’t know how long she’s had this email address, but it has the year 2002 in it, so I think ten years is a solid bet. Still, WTF?!!! How does this happen? I get the feeling she has no sense of how an inbox should function, what folders are, how to use them, when an email should be deleted, etc. She has adult kids, don’t they help her with this stuff? Or are they as lost as she is?
What worries me is that even her work email inbox is engorged with messages (read and unread): about 20,000 currently, at least a dozen or so of which are mine, longing to be read and dealt with. They might as well exist outside of time. They might as well accept their fate, and die.
A guide to online comics
I realized I’ve been referencing a lot of online comics to friends recently, and it’s super awkward. “In this one online comic I read, there’s a character who’s a troll with really terrible gas, and he’s hilarious, but anyway…” Not what I could call a quality, two-sided conversation.
Flow chart to the rescue! This is the last week of my first semester in my online Master’s degree program. I made this during class. In fact, class is still going on as I type this. I still have a 10-page paper to do for this class, so I don’t feel too bad about making time to do something fun.
i made this
Widow, murderer, heroine
Oh hey Judith, whatcha got there? A loyal dog? A warm winter coat? Why no, it’s the head of Holofernes, that belligerent dick who threatened to invade and massacre your village. Nice violence, Judith.
widow, murderer, heroine, in that order
Seriously, this is why art is awesome. This could just be another portrait of a lady, but that subtle whisper of hair behind her, and just a smidgen of face underneath it suggests death at the hand of a beautiful woman, which is always a little fascinating. It makes you want to stare at this picture and try to figure out what else you may have missed.
Also, don’t mess with Turkish women. If you rape them, they will channel Judith and chop of your head and show it off to the locals (like this one Turkish woman did just a few days ago).
Sound advice
Hey, fuck you! Oh, wait… yeah ok, you’re right, maybe I’ll just do that.
if you say so
Universal truth #1: Bugs are gross
No matter where you go, people agree: bugs should be rounded up and killed, and they would be if they weren’t so damn useful and amazing.
i made this
I am a Professional Citizen
Yesterday I had adventures!
i like to think Steve Jobs would be proud
I had to drive all the way across town from where I’m now living with Boyfriend in Silverlake to my old place in Marina del Rey to give my apartment keys to Teacher Roommate, so she could hand them in today. When I got in the elevator, I discovered a piece of gray luggage, unzipped, so I took a peek inside and found men’s clothing, some fancy cowboy boots, and an iPad. An iPad?! Why yes, an iPad. I waited in the elevator for about five minutes waiting for the owner to come back and breathlessly exclaim, “Whew, it’s still here, I almost forgot my bag!” But no. So I took it into the apartment with me to keep it safe, at which point I got a phone call from Teacher Roommate. “Heyyyyyy, can you help me with somethiiiiiiiiing?” She had found herself in a typical sitom scenario after accidentally dropping her keys into the dumpster.
gross, smelly success!
I took the elevator back downstairs to the garage, found an old towel to drape over the edge of the dumpster, laid a recycling bin on its side, and watched the hilarity ensue (and took pictures, of course). Back upstairs, we spackled up some holes, I grabbed whatever I had left there, plus the mysterious luggage, and drove away. I reached the freeway before I realized that I had forgotten to pass of my keys to Teacher Roommate.
After pulling U-boat and correcting my lapse in memory, I jumped on the freeway and managed to make it all the way downtown before encountering my next adventure: a car stopped in the right lane on the interchange between the 110-N and the 101-N. I pulled over, followed by a bright green Jeep. A guy in his early/mid-twenties got out of the Jeep and said he saw someone slumped over the wheel. “Woah! Is he dead?” I asked, pointlessly. We went over to investigate, and with a few loud, EXCUSE-ME-SIR’s, managed to rouse him. The old car was still running with this old man literally asleep at the wheel. I walked over to the driver’s side, mindful of the oncoming cars, and told the guy to put it in park, which he did (with some difficulty). I had just told him to scoot over when floodlights lit us up from behind: the cops had arrived!
i’m gonna pretend they looked like Erik Estrada from CHiPs
They unceremoniously told me to get out of the road (and rightfully so), which I did. They got the guy out of his car and pulled the car onto the shoulder. I told the man to step back from the road, and sit down, which he did, like a drunk. I gave one cop my contact info and a quick rundown of what happened (not much) while the other cop chatted with the old man. The cop (who was CHP I think, given the khaki uniform, right?) thanked me for pulling over, and wished me a good night.
I do stuff like this all the time. If I see a broken down car, I push it. If someone looks lost walking around, I stop and try to help them. When I see a kitten, bleeding to death in the road, I rescue it and nurse it back to health. Helping people (and kittens, apparently, but that’s new), makes me feel awesome. It makes the day worth while, no matter what else has happened.
And THAT is why I am a Professional Citizen 🙂
UPDATE: I found the owner of the iPad’s phone number in his email signature when I attempted to email myself from the iPad so I could contact him somehow. I left him a message last night before going to bed, and got a call back today! He said thanks, and we’re still figuring out when he can come by to pick up his bag of stuff.
And just for the record, this is still going to happen.
MS Paint, my first love
My coworker (let’s call her Hollywood Coworker for her constant mention of how she used to “work in the industry,” and watches a lot of TV) often laments (read: hates) being older than the college students we’re inevitably surrounded by (working on a college campus and all), and the other day was no different. I told her how a lot of my childhood drawings were done on MS Paint, and showed her my favorite new drawing tool: crayon! She complained about how she used to use actual crayon, and how it’s so much better (having never used MS Paint). So I decided to show her the ropes. Then this happened:
“Ok, guess what I’m drawing.”
that’s it
“… alligator.”
“… HOW DID YOU KNOW?!!”
Seriously, how did she know? This cracked me up. OH LIFE.
UPDATE: This website dedicated to using MS Paint is adorable.
No rest for the awesome
I haven’t had time to write a new post recently due to too much awesome shit happening to/around me. Let me just put down some quick updates on every relevant topic.
so cute, i’m so proud of her
Old Home, New Owner
Diminutive Roommate has received a sideways-promotion to Diminutive Friend, due to her purchase of a house in the valley. She moved in and started tearing up some truly hideous shag carpet and disco linoleum to show some beautiful wood floors underneath, and has plans to install central air (because it’s the valley, duh). She’s excited, but was worried about living alone (since I won’t be able to move in with her after all). But it turns out our other friend is moving in with her because of lame roommate problems. Let’s call her Busy/Genius Friend depending on the situation, because she’s wicked smart, but cannot arrive anywhere on time, nor make solid plans due to keeping way too busy. She’s also a really hard worker and very resourceful, so she’ll help Diminutive Friend improve the house like crazy, which is awesome. I’m gonna help out too, if I ever get my life back. We’re all pretty excited for her, can’t wait to harass her over there with board games and sleepovers 🙂
our tea collection is unrivaled
Moving in With a Handsome Man
I’m moving in with Boyfriend! He’s been living in his grandfather’s house (now that his grandfather has passed away) for the past two years or so rent-free. His family is allowing me to move in for $600 rent since I’m a student (which is very generous of them, knowing I’ve been paying $850 at my old place). I’ve basically been staying at the house for the last month to get used to the idea of living here with permanence so it’s not a system shock to either of us (so far so good; Boyfriend keeps saying stuff like, “This is fun! It’s fun having you here all the time. This is gonna be great.“). All the heavy lifting has been done by Boyfriend and dad (hutch to my folks’ place, refrigerator to rental garage near Highland, bookcase and bed and white bookshelf at the house). We finished taking just about everything this past weekend. Moving is awesome because it’s a great way to purge myself of crap I haven’t used in a while. I long for a simple life, but I can’t seem to get rid of a lot of stuff because they all come with memories I can’t bear to part with, or they’re things I’ll be proud to show off to my future friends/kids, or I need those damn clothes for work, etc.
i made this
Graduate School (or Why I Have No Life)
My first semester of graduate school is winding down (just two weeks left) and winding up (three papers and a video due within two weeks). I haven’t been able to fall asleep without lying awake for two hours first. My mind won’t slow down. I can’t seem to calm myself down about school. I have so much reading to do on top of the assignments, I seem to spend all my time trying to get them done before class that I’m worried I won’t have time to write papers or make time for friends. I’m always wishing I had gotten more done. I’ve started reminding myself while I lie awake that I’m doing my best (which is true, I’m going to beat the shit out of this grad school program), and because of that, I am allowed to sleep. It doesn’t seem to be helping much, but I’ll keep trying.
“i fell.”
Zombie Kitten
I picked up the kitten I rescued from the vet on July 25th, and he’s been living at Boyfriend’s house ever since. He’s HILARIOUS. We both wish we could keep him, but Boyfriend’s family says we can’t have a pet here at the house 😦 Boyfriend and I are super sad about it. We’re pretty attached to him, he’s so funny. He loves falling asleep on our laps, purrs super loud (he purred in my lap for a solid hour today), and chases after a laser pointer like his life depends on it. He’s also really chatty, which can get annoying, especially during class when he circles my chair and whines about not being on my lap, then attempts to jump onto my lap but can’t quite make it, so he digs his razor-sharp claws into my legs (I’m still healing from the last four attempts). That’s not so much fun. Otherwise he’s awesome, and we’re sad to have to get rid of him. The good news is that I found a nice person to take him 🙂 Now all we have to do is make friends with this person so we can come visit Zobo all the time, hahaha.
Be Random, Be Clear 