family, goodness, life, manfolk

Hawai’i: Day six

I was too wiped out to write about our day last night. We got an early start at 730am. Bobby was nice enough to get up with us to show us which house we were borrowing a kayak from. We found a two-person kayak, grabbed a couple of oars, and threw everything in the back of the Kia while Bobby went back home to sleep. We drove about a block with half the kayak sticking out of the back of the car, unloaded it and carried/dragged it down a sandy path to the beach.

this kayak, but without the seats (wtf would you do with those?)

Boyfriend and I were super excited. I had him sit in the front even though he weighs more so he could have a beautiful view while we paddled around. I had him pull the kayak down the beach to the water to feel how bouyant it is so he would feel safe in it (and it’s fun to feel something so heavy become so light so quickly). He got in and I launched us and jumped in behind him, and we took off toward the Mokuluas.

my shot of the Mokuluas from a Lanikai pillbox

Our goal was to make it out to the left Moke (Moku Nui), and we made it no problem. We took a couple of breaks on our way there and back to enjoy the view, feel the water and generally relax. The morning was perfect for being out on the water. There was plenty of cloud cover, there was a little wind, the water was calm, and there was no rain. As we approached the Mokuluas, the sun broke through the clouds, Boyfriend paddled, slow and strong, and the cool emerald water dripped from his paddle onto my legs. The beauty of the moment is hard to describe. It felt like a dream.

some jerk photographer’s shot of the mokes

Once we arrived, we walked around the beach and enjoyed the view. We found a sea slug covered in sand and latched onto a rock (it was alive and healthy, so naturally we both poked it gently and laughed), and a sea urchin a couple feet from that (it was also alive, and we watched it move it’s spikes slowly whenever the waves receded and the sand settled. We were tempted to take a shell back with us, but decided to be responsible tourists and left it behind. We were both bummed that we didn’t have any way to take a photo of the gorgeous view of Oahu, and the Mokuluas up close, especially where the waves crashed against the dark black rocks on the south side of the island.

exterior tiles at the Doris Duke estate

We paddled back in no time flat, returned the kayak, and headed back home to shower and change. We headed straight out for Waikiki to eat (more udon, yum!) before heading to the Honolulu Museum of Art (cool Japanese art collection; beautiful kimonos, wallets, netsuke and komainu) to meet up with a tour of Doris Duke’s house, Shangri-la. I’ve been there once before, and my memory of it was apparently very sharp. The house is an odd mixture of responsible art preservation and evidence of obviously wreckless looting. It’s been ten years (at least) since I first saw the house, and I didn’t have a degree in art history then, so I felt somewhat more disturbed about the acquisition of many of the pieces in the house. Regardless it’s an incredible resource, and a semi-legitimate museum in its own right.

We headed back across the island to the cottage so I could take class only to realize once we arrived and couldn’t join the classroom that I had forgotten about the 3-hour time difference. Derp. So I missed the last class of the semester. I’ll still get an A in the class (assuming my case study doesn’t suck), and I really disliked the professor, so I don’t really care.

that means you, asshole

We ordered Thai food for dinner, which Jon and I picked up and paid for. At the restaurant, there was a fish tank with a huge, hideous looking fish, apparently named Bruno, whom only a guy named Joe is allowed to feed. Huh. We ate dinner in front of the TV with Bobby and Nancy (we watched another episode of The Protectors, one of the Danish cop dramas that Nancy likes, and which I have to watch from the beginning now because I’m totally hooked). We crashed hard after that, and had to get up super early this morning to make it to the conference for an 8am talk about social media in the classroom. Boyfriend said he would come with me, even though I said I’d be back home by noonish. He’s so sweet.

Bobby’s having a root canal done today, and seemed a bit on edge about it last night (naturally). He doesn’t do well with pain, so I’ll have to check on him later.

family, goodness, life, manfolk

Hawai’i: Day five

this year is the 12th. I also spoke at the 5th.

Today was the first day of the Hawai’i International Conference, where I’ll be speaking soon, and which was my impetus for coming over here at all. Boyfriend and I had breakfast (the rest of the eggs with tobasco and the last of the toast with honey), then drove across the island to the hotel where the conference is being held in Waikiki. I attended a couple of talks: the first was on the sexual attitudes of university students (but turned out to be about Filipino students in the Philippines, and not pertinent to my interests), and the second was about race-based marketing (but was really just a presentation about a case study that proved the obvious: black people are more likely to pay attention to advertising aimed toward black people). I checked out a poster session after that which was surprisingly poorly attended, but had some interesting stuff about the relationships between shapes and language with young children, and the relationship between gangs and religiosity (no correlation, even though being religious should keep one from becoming violent, right?).

/drool

Boyfriend was super hungry after that (he hung out by the hotel pool while I was busy), and found an amazing udon place called Marukame Udon not half a mile away that makes its noodles fresh (and in full view of their customers). The line was long but moved super quickly. You get to watch them make the noodles, then they put them in a bowl with the broth you order (hot or cold), then you get to choose whatever tempura you want and oh my fucking god they all look amazing. I wanted them all. Boyfriend got a cold ontama udon with one shrimp tempura, and I got curry udon with pumpkin tempura (of course). Delicious.

boyfriend sang the theme for Jurassic Park as I drove

We didn’t have time to go to the zoo like we wanted to afterward, so we headed back home and got caught in some Los Angeles-grade freeway traffic. So brutal. We jumped off and took streets to the 61 to get home, which took us through a really beautiful stretch of land that looked mysterious and awesome with all the mist hanging around the tops of the mountains. We came out of a tunnel to see some deep green in low-hanging clouds. Just gorgeous.

pictured: not a centipede

We took a short swim in the ocean for a bit, took a shower, dressed and were about to leave when we noticed we had a visitor on the window: a baby gecko. I explained to Boyfriend the first time we spotted a baby gecko in the cottage that they’re good to have in the house because they eat bugs. The second gecko we saw in the cottage, however, was a full-sized gecko, which was only a problem because the previous day, during a walk with Nancy and Bella, we came upon a dead centipede. Centipedes are disgusting and horrifying and they fucking bite, so no thank you. Naturally, I mistook the harmless gecko scuttling across the wall of the kitchen for a centipede and blurted out “OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT!” before realizing my mistake. Boyfriend almost had a heart attack because, as he put it, “You never freak out about anything, so when you said that I thought there must be a dead guy hanging by the ceiling in the kitchen or something.” Sorry, Boyfriend.

Anyway, we headed over to the house to say goodbye to whomever was over there, chatted with uncle Bobby for a while (and gave Bella some love since she had been bitten on the snout by some fucking Labrador earlier today) before heading back across the island to Aiea to eat dinner at a sushi place called Kuru Kuru Sushi. It was Boyfriend’s and my first time at a sushi place with a rotating conveyor belt, and it was so tasty. I expect all conveyor belt sushi to be a little gross, but this one did not disappoint. It was recommended by my cousin when Sister came out here with her new boyfriend last year.

Boyfriend has had a runny nose all day long, so we got him some Benadryl. I sang him a song in the car that made him laugh: Gonna go get some yummy drugs for my boyfriend… Yummy yummy yum, drugs drugs drugs.

family, goodness, life, manfolk, uncategorized

Hawai’i: Day two

Nancy is the best, super smart and fun

We woke up today around 8am to the sound of a dog racing around upstairs. Once the confusion faded, I padded upstairs to find Bella waiting for me; she barked just before I came into view, and gave me an excellent good-morning freak out. Turns out Bobby had intentionally let her into the cottage, knowing she wouldn’t go downstairs (where the bedrooms are), and figured that would be a good way to wake us up. Bobby is nothing if not a trouble-maker, so this surprised no one (although he did receive a gentle reprimand from Nancy, bless her heart).

Boyfriend and I went with him and Bella on a walk down to the beach. His emphysema is slightly better, but he had to stop at the top of the driveway on our way out to catch his breath before we went on, and he kept our pace a bit slow. It’s so nice to see him and Nancy. I’m looking forward to seeing loads of them throughout the trip.

Once we got back from the walk, Nancy said, “We have to hurry if we want to get to the farmer’s market!” We headed out and meandered around the stalls set up in the Lanikai Elementary School parking lot. The very first stall we encountered had a couple dozen types of salt, which made Boyfriends eyes bug out of his head because I just got him a book called Salted so he’s kind of obsessed with salt right now. We ended up getting two kinds: Boyfriend wants to use the red one for steak when we get back, and the spicy black one for seafood (I’m thinking salmon). I got a Belgian waffle with pumpkin spice paste and whipped cream and cinnamon, so fucking good. Boyfriend got a large breakfast burrito, along with Bobby and Nancy, and we all sat down next to the spot where the musicians had set up (bunch a’ hippies).

salts from Salty Wahine

We headed home, and Nancy recommended Waimanalo for a beachy place to relax, and a little restaurant just down the road from the beach, called Home Sweet Waimanalo, for lunch. The beach was, of course, beautiful. On the way we saw four wild pigs! They were black and hairy, and looked big enough to eat, so I pulled over with every intention of grabbing one and stashing it in the car. Boyfriend thought they were too cute to eat (he’s probably right). They all ran into the underbrush once we pulled over, and came back out as we left (clever bastards).

The beach wasn’t too crowded, and we had fun getting smashed by waves for a while, then laid out and dried off. We got fish tacos and a beet salad with hibiscus mint iced tea for lunch, all delicious. I texted Bobby and Nancy to let them know we were on our way back, and they said not to hurry since Bobby had to deliver some paperwork or some such. So we stopped by a little Hawai’ian ice cream shop with every intention of getting the Kona coffee flavor, but I had to try their azuki bean ice cream and omfg it was amazing. It might be some of the best ice cream I’ve ever had. Usually I get accustomed to the flavor and get a little tired of it by the end of the cone, but this one was amazing.

azuki bean ice cream, yum!

Then we stopped in a shop next door and I FINALLY found the type of li hing mui-covered stuff I’ve been looking for going on seven or so years now: turns out it was some kind of ginger (I don’t like ginger, I wonder if my taste has changed that much since I had it last). I haven’t broken the bag open yet for fear that it might actually be awful, and not as good as I remember it (how could it be, though?). Tomorrow I’ll break into it and we’ll see.

The four of us grabbed dinner at some golf club (totally overpriced, and the waitress was annoying and flirted with Bobby the whole damn time), but the conversation was good. Boyfriend says he enjoyed watching Nancy and I hating the waitress while Bobby grinned and enjoyed the attention.

We chatted earlier with Nancy about the Danish TV shows she’s been watching on Netflix, and we mentioned Sherlock, the series from the BBC. When we came back home we all settled in and watched the first episode, which they enjoyed very much. Bella came in midway through and wanted to play, and made it halfway onto my lap before getting shut down by her folks. I find her enthusiasm infectious. It’s gonna be tough to train my future dog properly if all I’ll want to do is play with it and watch it be hilarious. Bella rolled around on the ground for a while today while Boyfriend and I were on our laptops at the house, waiting to put more time on the roast in the oven. She looked like she was having an awesome time chewing on some toy and thrashing around, then sprinting back and forth for no reason. I wish I was a golden retriever sometimes. This afternoon was one of those times.

goodness, life, manfolk, school

Hawai’i: Day one

Boyfriend and I are in Hawai’i! We arrived in Honolulu last night and will spend ten days here. I’ll be speaking at a social sciences conference next Saturday, June 1st, held at a hotel in Honolulu, but until then, Boyfriend and I are bumming around the island in my uncle’s old Kia. There’s no air conditioning, the breaks are crap, and the interior reeks of wet dog. Neat!

Uncle Bobby and his super cool wife Nancy picked up me and Boyfriend from the airport and showed us around their guest house (they call it the cottage, and it’s fucking amazing) where we’re set up to stay for the first five days. They gave us some eggs, milk, cereal, fruit, and macadamia nuts, so tasty! This morning we woke up around 715, got dressed and went over to have breakfast with them and their adorable golden retriever puppy, Bella (we’re obviously best friends now). After cereal with banana, some tasty mango, lychee from a neighbor’s tree, and tea, we discussed our plans for the day.

the leis Nancy gave us when we arrived

Nancy, Boyfriend and I took a walk with Bella down to Lanikai beach where we walked waist-deep in to the water for a while and threw a stick for Bella. On the way, we ran into Barbara and her mother, Mrs. Fox. It was nice to see them. Barbara’s niece will be moving to LA soon and wants to be part of the industry, so I’ll introduce her to Boyfriend and our friends who will show her the ropes.

After our walk, Boyfriend and I drove into town for malasadas (a family tradition), then got lunch at K and K, then sat on the beach a while to digest. it was super windy today, so there were a bunch of kite surfers out (Boyfriend and I liked it when they would go up high, then crash down into the water with a splash). Then we headed back to the cottage to dump our stuff so we could head back down to Lanikai beach to swim around. The water was really choppy due to the wind, so we got tossed around a good amount.

colors like a cartoon paradise

At one point, Boyfriend said, “Ow! I think something stung me!” He said it didn’t hurt much though, so I figured he was hallucinating or something. Turns out he was definitely stung by a jellyfish, probably a man-o-war, since we saw about a dozen of them floating around today, but neither of us saw what got him. He has a very faint red dotted line along his right trapezeus that flows down toward his shoulder. It doesn’t hurt or even itch though, so he’s just excited to have had a new experience.

After we rinsed off and changed, we drove across the island to Shimazu’s for shave ice (Matsumoto is good for tourists, but Shimazu’s is a local favorite). Even their small size was WAY too big (as big as my head!), but it was pretty tasty. I called my dad to see how he usually gets it, and ordered one of the same: azuki beans, ice cream, and green milk tea royale. It looked like an unripe, mishapen, frozen coconut, but tasted pretty good. Boyfriend got orange and milk tea with mochi cubes.

traditional male and female hula

On the way back to the car, boyfriend’s sandals started irritating him, and he had to take them off 😦 So we headed toward our next destination and bought him some $8 sandals that he’s super happy with now. Then we speed-walked to a spot on the beach where there was a free hula demonstration. So cool! Boyfriend and I really liked it. He particularly liked this one old guy who was amazing, and clearly the instructor for the men, who wore long, royal blue loin cloths that they constantly pulled at to make sure they hid their junk, haha.

Then we walked a couple of blocks to a great hole-in-the-wall sushi place called Hanna no Sato. Delicious. After a long drive back across the island, I’m totally pooped (and a bit sunburnt) and ready for bed.

delicious tuna

goodness, life, nerd

Renaissance Faire: Ultra Success!

I went to the Renaissance Faire with friends this past Saturday. I was the only one to dress up because Treehouse Friend was lazy and his girlfriend, Ballerina Friend, couldn’t find her costume. I invited a couple of students who work in my office who are from China and have never experienced anything like the Faire (one had never even heard of the Renaissance). One came and brought two more Chinese friends, who seemed to have an amazing time. One of them decided she wanted to rent a costume at the last minute, saying, “If I don’t, I will regret it.” She took forever to pick something out and got some help putting it on in the dressing room by a woman working the tent. When she finally had a look in the mirror, she jumped up and down and did her best impression of a boiling tea kettle. Her enthusiasm lasted all day, and frankly, she looked beautiful. She sashayed around the Faire and threw her skirts around in front of every reflective surface we passed. She took loads of selfies and smiled all day (they all did, actually). We moved through the Faire at a snail’s pace to make sure they didn’t miss anything, and I enjoyed answering their questions about people’s costumes, weapons, and common old English greetings (“Good day, my lady”). I really enjoyed moving slowly through the Faire and interacting with more attendees and workers than I ordinarily would have. I didn’t look at my phone more than a few times, and even then only to take a few photos.

the washing well women were doing less heckling of men this year, though just as much splashing

And then things got epic.

Just as my Chinese guests asked about where we could eat, we came upon the food court. I scouted out some shady seats and we all separated to hunt for hearty meats. I went to buy a sausage/hotdog at one of the stands. The guy cooking sausages was calling out to people passing by, “Come get your hot sausages! Everyone loves a hot sausage, right ladies?” As I approached I pointed at him and nodded with a completely straight face. He laughed, “Hey! This fine woman likes her sausage, don’t you m’lady?” I put in my order with the woman at the front and gave a tip (which resulted in the standard bust waggling and HUZZAH! from her), and was about to walk away with my brat and sauerkraut when suddenly the woman running the stand came out from the back, looked me up and down and said, “You’re beautiful. You should be working for me.” I thought she was kidding, so I said, “I’d be honored, m’lady!” and gave her a little curtsey. She came right back with, “Great, come get my number at the end of the day, we’ll be in touch,” and I’m standing there with a giant sausage in my hand like ‘oh shit, she was serious.’ So I’m totally selling sausages at the Faire next year, LOL.

Overall it was a hallmark year. I got to share something I enjoy with foreigners (which I love doing), and I might finally be able to work the Faire, which I’ve wanted to do for years. Plus, among all the harmless flirtation you get from the men at the Faire, one guy said, “You’re looking lovely, lady green,” as I rushed past to catch up with friends, and gave me a small bow. Naturally, I slowed my pace, dipped and offered a quick, “Thank you m’lord.” Huzzah for nerds!

badness, life

I could not give less of a shit about the pope if I tried

haven’t you been smokin’ a lot of peyote?

Why do news outlets think the whole world needs to know every fucking detail of the pope “election” process? Who gives a shit? Catholics, that’s who. This news should be (and probably is) posted (appropriately) all over websites dedicated to religious/Christian/Catholic news items, but it doesn’t belong on the front page of the LA Times, CNN, BBC, etc., day after day. I realize there are a good number of Catholics in the world, but do we all need to be inundated with the minutiae of this one religion’s choice of leadership? I think not.

I realize that whomever is elected will have some political influence, but I cannot be bothered to care because this man will still be a totally delusional whackjob. He will spend his time in a position of influence telling millions of sheeple how guilty to feel for using condoms to not contract deadly diseases, and reinforce the idea that a sentient being with the power to create an entire universe gives a shit about your lost car keys. There is no chart big enough to accurately display the level of ego necessary to believe that humans are not only worth listening to telepathically, but monitoring and judging, constantly, for thousands of years. Even if I were capable of creating galaxies, I’m not sure I would have the stamina to listen to people ask me to smite their enemies all fucking day, year after year. The fact that humans assume to understand what a being of that magnitude might possibly be thinking is insane. The fact that they think they’re capable of choosing one man (who magically becomes infallible the day he takes on a man-made title) to communicate with this imaginary friend, and is somehow better at said communication than anyone else is beyond absurd.

Anyway, here’s a pretty accurate depiction of my reaction to every recent news story about the recent potpourri (pope-ery, get it?):

poch

A friend just shared this one with me, too.

goodness, life

I can has bees!

I will join a several thousand-year-old tradition, and thereby become a badass

Dad has decided he wants to keep bees. Naturally, I’m on board. We’re going to catch a swarm together, put it in the hive he’s built and hopefully, eventually, harvest some honey from them.

We went to a local beekeepers’ meeting a couple weeks back, and yesterday attended a small mentoring program where we accompanied a very experienced bee keeper named Kirk who helps run the Backwards Beekeepers. He’s hysterical. He gives advice like, “I always put my bee suit on before going near a hive or a swarm. That way I never wish to hell I had put on my bee suit.” The man is a genius.

We checked on six box hives of various size, ranging from one to four stacked levels. He loaned me the top half of a bee suit, and Dad brought me some gloves. I felt super confident from the mid-thigh up. I gathered and clutched the bottom of the “shirt” to keep bees from flying up into the shirt (it worked, miraculously). We looked on while the other three attendees (more experienced than we) opened the hives and pulled out each frame to check on the bees’ progress, helpfully pointing out the various occupants of each section of comb: drone brood, larvae, honey, etc. They pointed out drones (huge) and we got a quick peek at a queen (large, brown and sensitive to light). Overall, super cool.

Captain Obvious says, “If you keep bees, you’ll get stung.”

I started menstruating yesterday, so I was really tired and sat down after about an hour of this. After a minute I worried that sitting would cause the cuff of my pants to lift and allow bees to fly up my pants. I pondered this issue, and as I tried to think of a solution that wouldn’t involve standing, I got stung on my left leg right above the knee, through my pants. Well. Shit.

Sitting had pressed my pants right against my skin, so there was no space to protect me from a stinger. I brushed the bee off and quickly pulled my pants away from my leg, which extracted the stinger. It hurt a little more than an inoculation, and kept hurting for a few minutes. Still, I expected to be stung at some point during my beekeeping experience, so I wasn’t too dismayed. Plus, it was my first sting ever! So I was curious to see how I would react, both psychologically (temporary pain doesn’t really bother me) and (mostly) physically. I took a Benadryl when I got home, and took a six hour nap, lol. I haven’t had a chance to sleep in for two weeks so I was in desperate need to some catch-up sleep, and I typically take a long nap on the first day of my menstruation cycle, so I doubt it was a symptom of an allergic reaction. The spot where I got stung is just a small pink dot on my leg now, and it doesn’t even itch, so I think I’m ok.

Dad was super bummed that I got stung. He kept apologizing, and Boyfriend doted on me when I got home and did work on his laptop next to me in bed until I fell asleep. Dad kept checking on me, and called me at work this morning to see how I was doing. So sweet. I am so loved. Plus, I bet he doesn’t want me getting scared off, which is understandable; he wants a beekeeping buddy 🙂 He said he’s going to get me my own beekeeping suit! Hooray! I’ll be so confident in my own suit! I can’t wait! I’m doing that thing where I get really excited about a new thing. I almost impulse purchased this necklace on Etsy the other day, lol.

UPDATE: Aaaaaand I bought this one instead (two of them, actually, one for Dad and one for me). Not sure where his will go, maybe on his wall at work? Ugh. I am the worst/best.

goodness, humor, life, nerd

My new career as a part-time smartass, perhaps

I wrote a review of Beautiful Creatures, the worst book on the planet, on amazon.com a couple of months ago and got a lot more (read: any) attention than I expected. It served as my impetus to get on Goodreads.com, which is a fantastic book review website that I’m currently addicted to, and where I’ve made a couple of new friends due to the popularity of my Beautiful Creatures review.

artist rendition of me being a book reviewer

I got another comment on my review today that read thusly:

Ok, so I haven’t read this book yet but when I do read reviews of books, I like to read the people who gave a bad review and discover why they didn’t like the book or what irritated them about it. I love your sense of humor with your review and how you go into detail about the specific parts of the book you didn’t enjoy. I am a writer and have recently self published my first young adult novel called Seeds of Eden. This is probably going to sound a little odd but I was wondering if you would read it and do an honest review of it. As an author I am still trying to find my reader base and connect with new readers. I can email you the epub version of my book if you would like to take a look at it. If you aren’t interested that is also fine, it’s up to you. Let me know what you think about this and get back to me!
Here is the link for my book on amazon: Seeds of Eden (The Concilium Series)
You can also find it on Goodreads too!

I was pretty dumbstruck. Was this a tricky way for this person to get someone to buy her crappy $0.99 ebook on amazon, or was she actually, genuinely asking for a review? I sat statue-still at my computer and thought, “Is this my first ever official request as a book reviewer?” I’m choosing to think so because that’s awesome, and the book looks pretty awful and should be fun to hilariously critique, lol. Still, I’m excited about it. Kinda stupid-excited.

badness, life

On Christopher Jordan Dorner: We might’ve been friends

An ex-cop named Christopher Jordan Dorner wrote an 18-page manifesto that I felt compelled to read for some reason. He’s killed three people so far.

The majority of the suicide letter (let’s not mince words here) lists the specific people who have wronged him and acted unjustly in the past (including a high school administrator who lied to him in 1996). A lot of it sounds legit. He discourages anyone from coming after him, saying they will not survive if they try to pull him over or arrest him. He talks about his experiences with racism, and the need for better gun control laws: “Who in there right mind needs a fucking silencer!!!”

pictured: murderer, victim, human

Then at the bottom of page 12, he starts thanking people for being good friends, honest politicians, talented doctors: “I’m sorry I’ll never get to go on that moose and bear hunt with you. I love you bro.” At this point, I wondered how many people had written letters just like this, and, upon realizing that the list of wonderful people in their lives they would miss spending time with was surprisingly long, got up from the computer, called one of them and made plans instead of going on a killing spree.

Like most manifestos, this one goes off track once he stops being quite so angry, and starts lauding the people he admires (“Off the record, I love your new bangs, Mrs. Obama”) and the things he loves (“Dave Brubeck’s “Take Five” is the greatest piece of music ever, period”). While it’s fascinating to see inside someone’s head without a filter, I can’t give this guy too much credit. He’s killing people. Some part of his brain is broken. Still, I can’t help but think of Shan Yu, the fictitious “warrior poet” quoted for claiming that we can only really know a person when they are pushed to the brink. I wonder if manifestos like these seem crazy because we never really know each other; as a result 18 pages worth of raw honesty and what this man considered truth comes across as proof of insanity.

In the order they appear, here are the parts of the manifesto that jumped out at me for their candor and silliness. I am shocked by how much I agree with him on so many topics:

Thank you for the superb surgery you performed on my knee… I never had the opportunity to thank you for allowing me to live a life free of knee joint pain. Thank you.

I thank the unnamed women I dated over my lifetime for the great and sometimes not so great sex.

It’s kind of sad I won’t be around to enjoy the Hangover III. What an awesome trilogy… World War Z looks good and The Walking Dead season 3 (second half) looked intriguing. Damn, gonna miss shark week.

Hillary Clinton. You’ll make one hell of a president in 2016… Chelsea grew up to be one hell of an attractive woman. No disrespect to her husband.

Gov. Chris Christie. What can I say? You’re the only person I would like to see in the White House in 2016 other than Hillary. You’re America’s no shit taking uncle. Do one thing for your wife, kids, and supporters. Start walking at night and eat a little less, not a lot less, just a little. We want to see you around for a long time.

Wayne LaPierre, President of the NRA, you’re a vile and inhuman piece of shit… You are a failure of a human being. May all your immediate and distant family die horrific deaths in front of you.

Ellen Degeneres… You changed the perception of your gay community and how we as Americans view the LGBT community… Oh, and you Prop 8 supporters, why the fuck do you care who your neighbor marries. Hypocritical pieces of shit.

[Redacted] Church, may you all burn slowly in a fire, not from smoke inhalation, but from the flames and only the flames.

Cyclist, I have no problem sharing the road with you. But, at least go the fucking speed limit posted or get off the road!!! That is a feasible request. Livestrong you fraudulent assholes.

Cardinal Mahoney, you are in essence a predator yourself… May you die a long and slow painful death.

Charlie Sheen, you’re effin awesome.

My opinion on women in combat… Many want to see you fail. Remember everyone of you is a pioneer. There was a time when they didn’t allow blacks to fight the good fight. This is your civil rights. Don’t quit!!!

It’s time to allow gay service member’s spouses to utilize the same benefits that all heterosexual dependents are eligible for.

Mr. Bill Cosby, you are a reasonable and talented man who has spoken the truth of the cultural anomalies within the black communities that need to change now.

goodness, life, nerd

Dracula, my love

The original Dracula is my favorite ghost story. It’s easy to see that it’s not the ultimate literary novel of its time, but it’s a fun read and a creepy story set in a time where if you were stranded somewhere, you were totally fucked. If you get sick in a foreign country, you’re screwed. If you don’t know how to kill the thing that’s coming after you and your loved ones, get your affairs in order, because it might be time to die.

nice job, google

Obviously I’m not a fan of how prominently Christianity comes swooping in to save the day (of course the Count can’t enter a tomb that’s been sealed off using putty mixed with the holy sacrament, DUH), but that’s sorta part of the charm of this story; it’s full of silly superstition and stolid, antiquated reliance on the impregnable defense afforded to the faithful. It’s pretty cute.

And the action! Fight scenes! Storms! Abandoned vessels washing up on shore! Giant wolves! Hypnosis! Seduction! Hidden treasure! All this and more! Written in the style of the turn of the century, who wouldn’t want to read it?

SPOILER:
The part on the ship is what makes this a truly horrifying story. It’s the strongest part of the story in my opinion. If that part doesn’t hook you, you have my permission to stop reading, and continue your inevitable march toward the end of an unfortunate, unremarkable life. You schmuck.

READ ME, PUNY MORTAL

Be Random, Be Clear

with as few runon sentences as possible

Category Archives: life

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Hawai’i: Day five

Hawai’i: Day two

Hawai’i: Day one

Renaissance Faire: Ultra Success!

I could not give less of a shit about the pope if I tried

I can has bees!

My new career as a part-time smartass, perhaps

On Christopher Jordan Dorner: We might’ve been friends

Dracula, my love

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